Last summer, I created a new facebook profile in anticipation of graduating with my MSW in May 2016. In accordance to the National Association of Social Workers Code of Ethics, I wanted to make sure I established online anonymity before I would be working professionally. As a practicum student, I would often get requests from my clients to be online friends. I don’t like disappointing people (especially those who are already marginalized) and decided to create a new profile with a stuffed animal as a profile photo and the name “Diane Cheryl”. I followed the path of other social workers who used their first and middle names.
At a certain point, I didn’t feel comfortable with my middle name floating around on the internet and cut out the first three letters, which is how I got “Ryl”. It felt nice not to have an online separation from “Diane Cheryl Kawasaki” because I was trying to be a “normal” person and sever ties from my season in entertainment. When I moved back to Hawaii, I would often be asked about why I came back. Why WHY WHY? Most people thought it was being I failed miserably and needed to come home.
The truth? I was tired and grieving the loss of a friend who had been murdered in 2012, a few months before I went back to Hawaii. My perspective of life changed significantly and everything I thought I wanted didn’t have the same meaning. Making people laugh for a living felt stupid in the midst of losing someone I loved very much. I was filled with so much guilt because I blamed myself for his death. If I had only… If I was… It consumed me and I was in a deep depression for several months before I finally made the decision to leave the entertainment industry and go back to school to something with more depth than comedy/acting/blah blah blah could offer the world. I chose social work because I wanted to help others. One of the beautiful things about horrible situations is the renewed capacity to find great happiness in service to others.
When I told my best friend Jenn about my decision to go back to school, she immediately was so shocked and asked, “Is this for funzies?”. I laughed so much because she I knew she knew me THAT well to suspect something wasn’t quite right with me. At the time, I wasn’t able to properly articulate why I moved back because I was filled with emotional exhaustion. The truth was I didn’t know what to do with my life and thought maybe I should be like my childhood social worker at Shriner’s hospital because was always someone I admired.
Being an amazing best friend, Jenn tried to reason with me and when all that didn’t work, she told me, “OK. I know you want to help people, but you do realize that you don’t like people very much, right?” I laughed and told her I could probably get better at that along the way. She finally gave up and supported me along my journey throughout the Master of Social Work program at the University of Hawaii at Manoa for the next two years. Did I love being in the MSW program? HELL NO. It was misery throughout my first year and I didn’t really feel like I had any friends until my second year. I am innately a very dark person so all of the fluffy social work shit irritated me a lot. I also found it weird that the curriculum hardly ever addressed the stigmatization of people with disabilities. If I wanted to have a specialization in disability studies, I’d have to take another five classes to have a formal designation. I was quite unimpressed by the program and like a long painful bad date, I just waited for it to end.
A few months before my graduation, I was obsessed with finding a job right after. I didn’t want to be unemployed and not in school. As if my family didn’t already have several reasons to define me as a loser, I didn’t want to add to the long list. I was very insecure as I was still in the midst of a very long bout of depression. I questioned my value a lot and that mindset led me to accept an offer at a non-profit for $16.35/hr as a “trainee”. I absolutely loved the clientele, but was super sad that I had the highest education of my colleagues and got paid the least since I didn’t have “paid experience”. This particular position did not require a master’s degree or a college degree at all. Although I’ve worked in various settings throughout my life, my “unconventional resume” made it so difficult to be taken seriously in the realm of social services. A month after I was hired, someone else was hired and because she had more paid experience, she was paid $2 more an hour.
Since I was living with my family, I was willing to “pay my dues” and suck it up. I worked 60 hours a week and was paid for 40 because like everything else I do, I get obsessed with learning as much as I can. I’ve never enjoyed jobs that were just to make money. I thrive off of my own passion and would rather do what I love and get paid nothing than do something that kills my soul for money (okay, maybe it depends on how much–we all have a price!). I’ve done so many horrible things for money. So many. Too many to address right now.
In August, I had a meltdown at work. I was put in an unsafe situation (that I can’t discuss due to a pending investigation), which triggered an assault trauma I experienced when I was 23. I couldn’t go back to work because when I feel unsafe, I #GTFO. I gave them numerous chances to rectify several inconsistencies, but mostly all of those went unacknowledged and I just had to deal with it because I was insignificant. Looking back, I manifested it all. I didn’t respect myself to wait for something better to come along because I didn’t think I was worthy. I allowed my depression + anxiety + low self-esteem to dictate my worth, which is almost always leads to a shitty outcome.
When life falls apart, amazing opportunities to see people as they are start to emerge like crazy. For the last month, I’ve been doing things that bring me joy. For the first time in my life, I’ve been taking care of myself and honoring my needs. I’ve naturally always felt led to care for others, but this time, I was so broken that I only had enough energy for myself. A lot of people I thought were friends turned out to be just fun acquaintances. At the same time, my true friends were shining brighter than ever. Once I let go of the relationships that didn’t bring light into my life, all sorts of amazing things happened and I felt genuinely happy. A lot of people that have only known me since returning to Hawaii think I’ve lost my mind. The “new” old me finally came back and I’m on a new path. While I don’t know what the next few months will have in store, I don’t feel worried about it. I’ve only shared my situation with a few trusted people. As soon as someone tells me I need to be worried, I no longer entertain their fears for me.
Two weeks ago, I saw my friend Amy Stiller‘s BEAUTIFUL one-person show called, “Just Trust” and it changed my perspective. I was inspired to trust and be in flow instead of the constant anxiety I’ve been led by for the last few years. So many things have been developing and I have been so fortunate to connect with amazing people that are on the same “Just Trust” wavelength. Some of my other friends have let me know just how crazy I appear on social media. I don’t really mind because I’m #DoneAF with compromising my happiness to make other people comfortable. If people can’t handle the real me, #ByeFelicia.
In regards to social work, I have no regrets. I learned so much from my classmates/lifelong friends and my mentors. My world view has completed shifted. I used to be a superficial, self-absorbed cuntasaurus and now I’m less shitty. I still have so much to learn, but I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to have everything fall away so I can have a second chance at being my authentic self. Who knows what’s ahead, but all I know is that i’m going to be more chill and JUST TRUST. Love and Cuddles!
(Source: Look Human)
Thanks Paula, I love this!!!
Secret Lives of Pets
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