Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor.

Along the way, I had so many wonderful human influences. Great friends. Wonderful parents. Excellent mentors. I had a lot of amazing people in my life, yet I was still depressed and struggled to do basic things like mail shit at the post office. Unfortunately, it’s not something I like to talk about with the people I love. When I’m in the midst of depression (or what I like to call “the funk”), I have this overwhelming guilt that I’m a horrible burden and everyone is too nice to tell me to **** off with my “issues”. It actually physically hurts my heart to tell people I love that I’m depressed. I see their sadness (because they’re empathetic) and I don’t like to see my friends sad. I know, I know. People who love you WANT to help. I know they do, but in all honesty, it takes a certain blend of personal experience and cognizance that the average person does not have. A well-intentioned chat can quickly turn into verbal diarrhea which makes both people feel awkward. The truth is that I knew my friends couldn’t help me. My therapist with 30+ years of experience couldn’t “fix” me. My friends who are excellent in every aspect of their lives just did not have the resolve I needed.

An unexpected gem was a mentor I met during my first year in the MSW program. She had an incredible way of tuning in and carrying me through an experience that I would not have been able to overcome alone. Although she is not currently a formal counselor, my time with her has helped me heal in ways that I never thought possible. At the time, I was a lot less mature (I’m still not mature, but a bit better now) and I wasn’t able to fully absorb the profound depth of our time together. After about a year, I can see a lot of those seeds she’s planted grow in all sorts of ways. I have grown in my capacity because she allowed me to expand and remain stagnant without a timeline. I cried a lot in her office. I don’t usually cry, but it was a very cathartic experience and I had the permission to just be me. All the ugly. All the horrible. Just me.

If your friend is going through depression, don’t take on the responsibility and heavy weight of helping them. Healing from depression has no timeline. It’s like a virus. There may be good times where it’s dormant, but sometimes it erupts like a nasty ass cold sore three days before a Black Tie event. Like a massive cold sore, it takes some time to run its course. Sometimes you can poke around and rush it… but then it’s just bloody and scabby. In my experience as someone who used to have cold sores several times a year, the best approach was always to slather on some Lysine, get some sleep and drink Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV). It’s a similar situation with depression. It takes time and figuring out a system that works. To all of my friends who I’ve hurt because I’m like a little bird who flies away into a secluded canopy when I can’t function, I’m sorry. I hope this provides some comfort and assurance that I always knew you were there, but I just had to ride this shit out in my own way. If you come across a friend who is depressed, just listen and extend your support if they need it. It can be hard to be transparent. If someone has confided in you, listen. It’s a good place to start. Happy Tuesday!