July 2015 has been a horrible month for me. I developed an ear drum infection and was prescribed a round of antibiotics which promised a season of “surprise diarrhea” for the next few months. While I generally appreciate fulfilled promises, this prescription pinky swear was something I would’ve been happy to dodge. I missed a week of work because I feared the inevitable awkwardness of destroying the office’s ONE uni-gender bathroom. In addition to the above side-effects, I’ve also had asthmatic flareups for the last three weeks and have been coughing every two minutes.
Although July has been a really shitty month, I’ve learned a lot about the important qualities of relationships from being sick. Surprise Diarrhea and incessant coughing has really affected my social life. I’ve had to cancel several plans and rearrange meetings (to places with abundant toilet options). When it comes to cancelling plans, I still feel the need to explain myself because we live in a world of flaky people. I value my integrity and I didn’t want anyone I care about to think they weren’t important. It was very comforting to feel safe as I shared my situation.
There are a lot of terrible things in this world, but diarrhea and not being able to breathe are two universally shitty feelings. In the midst of feeling awful, I was happy to be in a place in my life where I no longer feel the need to compromise my own needs to fulfill social niceties. I am so grateful to have amazing friends who don’t make me feel bad for human things. I no longer tolerate “friends” who don’t have the capacity to be compassionate.
Being sick for a month also shifted the way I view dating and partnership. When I reflect on my past romantic relationships, I only felt genuine-friend-level safe with one man. He was my most significant partner and I’ll always have warm fuzzies for him. While we’ve both moved on from each other, I cherish the experience of being in a partnership with a kind person. When I was sick, he took care of me. We had those difficult talks when we were trying to be better people. I wasn’t afraid to have human moments (accidental farting, incessant coughing, etc.). Although our relationship ended on bad terms, I am so grateful I was able to gain an introductory insight to authentic love.
When I ssslllooowwwlllyyyyy transition back into dating, I’ll be mindful of choosing kind partners. If “someone to grow old with” is truly a rationale to commit, it would be good to be with someone who demonstrates compassion, empathy and kindness. Looks don’t last forever. Fun isn’t always part of a relationship. Sex isn’t consistently hot. When it comes to choosing a partner, I want to find someone who I love AND like. While I think (hope) most people genuinely love their partners, it can sometimes be hard to like someone even if you love that self-centered fool who hasn’t washed the dishes once in a calendar year. At the core of a lot of healthy relationships is a strong foundation in friendship.
When assessing a potential partner, I’ll be looking out for similar qualities that I cherish in friendships. I think that’s a much better gauge than my past pattern of “ok, he’ll be fine for now because I’m tired of being on okcupid.com” or “yeah, he’s a horrible person, but horrible usually sets up an easier exit when we eventually figure out we hate each other”. Echoing Josh Ostrovsky’s IG post, we have a choice in accepting fulfilling company. Why not?
