During my last year of graduate school, I hardly made any social commitments. Instead of getting together for a night out, I mostly stayed at home fixated on all of the work I needed to do. It wasn’t a huge work load, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Simple things like writing a learning agreement for my practicum or reading a literature review took me days to complete. I was frustrated and felt depleted in every aspect of my life. Although not formally diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I was going through some kind of significant depression. Did it heavily impact my work? Not really. I eventually got things done, but it just took longer than it would have if I was okay. Did this bout of depression impact my relationships? Yes.
Although I don’t typically have a problem being transparent, I was very closed off during the last year of grad school. On paper, it seemed like things were going well. I was working at my dream practicum site with so much support, under the supervision of a phenomenal social worker who is an excellent mentor. I was part of a competitive training program and had so many leadership opportunities. I worked alongside extremely gifted professionals who extended so much love and empathy. My family and friends were also consistently supportive, often checking in with me because they know I’m prone to depression. I had it all, yet I would often wish the world would just explode so I wouldn’t have to wake up again and find my pants to start the day all over again.
Beneath my cheerful exterior and optimism was profound fear and constant self-loathing. While I don’t necessarily regret my past decisions to pursue a career in entertainment, I definitely have had a difficult transition into the “normal” world. My well-meaning extended family (not my parents, who were exceptionally supportive) and other strangers would make comments like, “Found a real job yet?”, “I guess you couldn’t handle it in LA so you had to come back”, “you don’t need to work, your parents can take care of you”. I’d like to think they just wanted to make sure I don’t “make the same mistakes”, but all it did was crush my self-esteem and make me question why I have to continue living on a daily basis.
Given the feedback, I started looking for jobs at the start of my last semester. Our program lacked the capacity to offer any practical advice for the job search. I felt alone and discouraged as I randomly googled: “MSW jobs Honolulu”. I also had a lot of anxiety surrounding the inevitable conversation when I’d have to justify my “colorful past”.
My depression grew progressively bad throughout the year. I invested most of my energy into showering and getting to things on time. I had absolutely no desire to give a shit about anything else. I avoided phone calls, e-mails, social gatherings, everything. I would only go outside if it fit the following parameters: 1. someone needed help 2. some high maintenance person would give me shit about it if I didn’t go 3. it involved cake. Outside of those specifics, I stayed home.
I did seek help. I have an amazing therapist that helped me keep things in perspective. An easy assumption of someone with depression is that they are depressed because they don’t want to do anything about it. The thing that people often miss is the crucial detail of the amount of time it takes to overcome depression. It’s not something you sort out in one visit. Medication helps, but it’s supplementary, if anything. Even the best therapist on the planet can’t magically “fix” someone who struggles with depression.
Did I want to kill myself? No. I honestly never thought about hurting myself. I did, however, often fantasize about the world ending. If I got a text from the government that the world was ending in three days, I would be happy and do nothing to stop it. I’d throw away all of my homework and go to Ryan’s for happy hour. Is that considered suicidal? Not really. It would take too much work to convince the government to blow up the planet. If pants is a struggle, that sure as hell wouldn’t be a priority. I was in a long funk. Everyday felt like something to get through and it was challenging to present a semblance of okay.
Since starting my job in May, my depression has subsided. I make very little money, but I genuinely enjoy my clients. I have an awesome boss who creates a safe space for me to just be myself. I’ve always had generous and wonderful people in my life, but it’s not always the case to have that level of compassion from the person who signs my paychecks. I feel better. I’m genuinely happy 80% of my days. I am so grateful. I cry a lot because I often can’t believe that I’m functional. I haven’t felt in my element for nearly four years and it’s hard to fully convey how amazing it feels to have climbed out of the well of despair. There were moments I didn’t think I would ever overcome my consistent desire to just end it all.
I feel a lot better now. My mentor offered the best suggestion to be specific about what I want in a job and write it down. This is what I wrote:
With the exception of “I earn at least $5,000 a month” (WTF was I thinking?), I have everything on my list. Even the water dispenser! I keep this posted in my home office to keep me focused. I don’t want to lose sight of how hard it was to get here. I want to be grateful everyday. It’s easy to be happy in the “honeymoon” stage, but I anticipate it might get a little harder when I get more comfortable. I don’t want to become complacent because that will inevitably affect my clients. I know this sort of thing isn’t for everyone, but it’s helped me a lot. Perhaps it may also have some impact, if you’re also in a similar position.
It’s scary to write all this on a public forum, but I feel it’s important to share because I know depression has a tendency to urge people to suffer in silence. My sweet friend would consistently remind me that “sometimes the depression is doing the thinking and feeling”. For some reason, that really shifted my perspective. Whenever I my depression tells me I’m worthless and a burden to my family/friends, I remind myself that it’s not coming from true me. I used to say it out loud at first because it wasn’t as effective to just think it.
If you’re dealing with some level of depression, you’re not alone. It’s important to talk to the right people. Not everyone has the capacity and experience to appropriately be in support. If you don’t have success the first time, try again. Another person who tells you “oh, you probably need to stop eating bread and exercise”? Thank them for their suggestion and move on until you find someone who has the competency to be a sounding board. Help is out there. Unfortunately, the quality varies. Like any relationship, it also requires a unique mix to provide a good flow. As someone who has been there, know that there is a light out there. It’s not always easy to access (for me, it took approximately nine months), but it’s there.
