Category: Fears

Boundaries, Depression, Disability, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Jobs, Kindness, Love, MSW, Social Work

From #SweatyAF to “Let’s love ourselves more” within 10 hours

ninjabuns

newoffice

Today I moved to a new office space and I was so excited! My morning started up with several unexpected issues and I rushed to haul everything in one trip. It’s about a 5-minute walk and my schedule didn’t allow for two trips. My original #Instagram post was written while I was catching my breath after struggling up a poorly paved road. I lied about not feeling sorry for myself. Although I wasn’t in full-on self-pity mode, I did feel a little sad for myself. Like every situation involving human beings, the photo does not provide an accurate glimpse of what led up to this particular Instagram post. I didn’t feel sad about carrying things, but I did feel very unsupported. Was it anyone’s fault? Yes. Mine.

This was my original post:

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Now that I’m sitting comfortably in AC and no longer a sweaty animal, I’m feeling so silly that I felt like I didn’t have support because I didn’t ask. I work with the most incredible people and if I had asked, I would’ve easily gotten some assistance in lightening the weight of this trek to my new office space. The truth is I have a huge problem with asking for help. Perhaps it’s rooted in fear that I’ll be seen as “less than” if I let people know I need assistance. I chose to work in a helping profession because I genuinely enjoy assisting other people realize their own potential. When it comes to other people, I am happy to assist and always encourage my clients to utilize their resources.

When it comes to making sure my own needs are met, I would… rather not. Like many other social workers, I don’t do a great job at taking care of myself. I ate lunch at 4:30pm before my last client was scheduled at 5pm. Instead of leaving by 7pm (I actually finish at 4:30pm), I stayed a little later and tried to organize my space so my desk wouldn’t look like a wreck tomorrow. I’m primarily motivated by being useful for others because I spent most of my life feeling quite uncomfortable if I wasn’t occupying all my time being productive. The only time I feel okay about relaxing is when I’m in the midst of a bout of depression and it’s hard for me to convince myself to wear pants. Continue reading “From #SweatyAF to “Let’s love ourselves more” within 10 hours” →

Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Love, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

When it comes to Mental Health, don’t be a freeloader!

ninjabuns

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I know I tend to overshare on my blogs, posts, etc., but I actually have a really difficult time expressing intimate details with friends. Sometimes people get defensive and think it has to do with trust issues, but the reality is that I’ve been conditioned not to talk about my issues. I don’t talk, I write. Over the weekend, I met with one of my mentors because I’m going through some personal matters. Instead of talking to her, I printed out an email I had sent because I knew I wouldn’t be able to even graze the surface if I relied on verbal words alone. I don’t like to talk about things because it’s very painful for me. I’m super good at hiding pain. I’m a lot like a bunny.
secretSecret Lives of Pets
 
As vulnerable creatures, they are in constant fear of predators and will it becomes second nature to hide their weaknesses. They look fine on the outside, but inside they’re physically suffering. I don’t know if bunnies experience sadness in the way humans do, but I understand their reasoning for keeping that shit to themselves. I don’t need to talk to a lot of friends because I see a therapist regularly to sort things out. There is a stigma and all, but the reality is that we humans come with a lot of shit and that shit is probably better suited to be properly handled by a pro. Therapists aren’t perfect. Some of them suck juicy ass, but others are really amazing. It’s like any other relationship, it just takes a bit of self-awareness and research to find a good fit. I’m very fortunate to be connected with good people (haha, I have two!).

Continue reading “When it comes to Mental Health, don’t be a freeloader!” →

Anxiety, Boundaries, Dating, Depression, Disability, Fears, Insecurities, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Confessions of a Little Thirrrsty *****

ninjabuns

When-someone-shows-you-who-they-are-believe-them-the-first-time.

Recently, I’ve been more intentional about keeping these powerful words close to my heart. While I appear to be a **** off-faced bitch most of the time, I have the tendency to be more empathetic than I should be. I know this may come off as a passive-aggressive “take this hint” sort of post, but it’s not directed to anyone in particular. I have been very fortunate to identify people and experiences in a truer light since coming out of my recent season of depression. I’ve invested so much time and energy into people who only took from me while I spent less time focusing on those who bring so much light into my life. There’s a part of me that still longs to be validated by people who make me feel insecure. This level of desperation has driven me to all sorts of dark places that always led back to feeling unworthy. Although I didn’t recognize it before, I can clearly recognize seasons where I acted and felt as if my only purpose was to occupy space.

As I move forward in my 30s, I’ve been redirecting my energy towards the people who have been consistent and away from those who only brought sadness in my life. While I love these people very much, I also recognize that it’s time to love myself a little bit more. Self-respect is an ongoing lesson for me. Although I’ve come very far throughout the years, I know there is still so much more to learn. Continue reading “Confessions of a Little Thirrrsty *****” →

Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Disability, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.

ninjabuns

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Last night I went to a comedy show in Hawaii and I was so happy that not even one performer used the word “midget” in their sets. I had promised friends to take them to a local comedy show and I finally delivered. The last time I took my friend to see one of my favorite comedians Ian Edwards because we were lucky he stopped by in Honolulu.

One of the openers did some crowd work and said something along the lines of “I know she’s (pointing at me) here, but I’m going to say it anyway”. Oh shit. He told an awkward (probably fake) story about how he slept with a blind person and or something and somehow associated it with me. Like a lot of uninformed Americans, he made the assumption all disabled people are the same (and need to be made fun of!). He reenacted himself doing nasty things to this person and at some point eluded that the gross experience was probably how I have sex. Some people laughed while most of the audience probably had their buttholes clenched tight like I did. I was thrilled when he finally stopped talking. Continue reading “Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.” →

Anxiety, Disability, Fears, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Oppression, Poverty, Social Anxiety

“Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)

ninjabuns
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I used to take the bus to and from an early headstart (special ed) pre-school. At the time, I didn’t know that it was only for “special” kids. Every child on TV took the bus and I was genuinely excited to go to school. I stopped taking the bus when I started public school and soon learned the “R-word” when the asshole kids would tease students who rode the bus. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed. I didn’t defend them because I was afraid I would also get teased. While I wasn’t one to defend, I sure didn’t join the asshole party and say mean things.

One night in a bar in LA, I was talking to a few awesome friends who had similar experiences. We exchanged stories and I learned that I wasn’t the only one who felt shitty about the labels associated with a seat on the “short bus”. One of my favorite classmates was a guy named K. He didn’t use words to communicate and he had to wear a helmet because he had to wear one for some reason. As an only child, I really enjoyed being around other kids and I didn’t notice a difference between me and K because I wasn’t conditioned to scrutinize diversity yet. Continue reading ““Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

ninjabuns

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I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor. Continue reading “Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Insecurities, Kindness, Love

I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!

ninjabuns
nextime
I started my day committing to #NoComplaintsWeek and quickly found it challenging to sustain. I lasted mayyybe two minutes after I tweeted a confirmation. In all fairness, I didn’t really commit to anything. I eluded that it was a good idea. My optimism peaks after a strong dose of caffeine. I try my best to be positive and chirpy, but I honestly feel so much sadness when people are inconsiderate assholes. I recognize my standards for people are pretty damn high and sometimes unreasonable. Actually, no. My standards aren’t much. I feel happiness when someone opens the door for me. I appreciate people not chewing me out for something I didn’t do. I feel grateful when humans treat me like a human. It baffles me that some of the most basic acts of humanity is lost on most people.
 
At the moment, I work in an area that has a pretty not-so-okay reputation of being scary and whatever. The media paints a picture of poverty and violence. People assume I took this job because I’m desperate. I was desperate. If I had some self-esteem before graduating, I may have missed out on this opportunity. I had all sorts of doubts and in the end trusted in a power greater than me that I was supposed to be here for this season.

Continue reading “I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Starting Over

Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible

ninjabuns

mrlovenstein

During my last year of graduate school, I hardly made any social commitments. Instead of getting together for a night out, I mostly stayed at home fixated on all of the work I needed to do. It wasn’t a huge work load, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Simple things like writing a learning agreement for my practicum or reading a literature review took me days to complete. I was frustrated and felt depleted in every aspect of my life. Although not formally diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I was going through some kind of significant depression. Did it heavily impact my work? Not really. I eventually got things done, but it just took longer than it would have if I was okay. Did this bout of depression impact my relationships? Yes.

Although I don’t typically have a problem being transparent, I was very closed off during the last year of grad school. On paper, it seemed like things were going well. I was working at my dream practicum site with so much support, under the supervision of a phenomenal social worker who is an excellent mentor. I was part of a competitive training program and had so many leadership opportunities. I worked alongside extremely gifted professionals who extended so much love and empathy. My family and friends were also consistently supportive, often checking in with me because they know I’m prone to depression. I had it all, yet I would often wish the world would just explode so I wouldn’t have to wake up again and find my pants to start the day all over again. Continue reading “Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible” →

Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Fears, Friendship, Kindness, Love, Social Anxiety

Hi, I Have Anxiety.

ninjabuns

social
(Source)

I was recently assigned to cover our front desk while our amazing AA is on a VERY WELL-DESERVED vacation. My desk is in clear view of hers and I consistently see her manage chaos like a symphony composer. I try my best to fill in the gaps, but she is always so kind to take on everything. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although I had a few days notice, I was absolutely riddled with anxiety. I came in about 30 minutes early (for two days) to familiarize with her procedures because I knew that I would have a breakdown if I had to figure it out with people there. As a new employee (just over a  month), it seemed to be logical thing to do in preparation.

While I tried my best to prepare, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the demands of her position. Oh, by the way, I also have social anxiety AND claustrophobia. Great. Something about in being in tight quarters with more than three people makes me feel like I will die. After about an hour of trying to keep things in order (answering a barrage of phone calls, assisting our clients, finding things, etc.), I was in the midst of what felt like a panic attack. I’ve had them before at the dentist. Lots of sweating. Palpitations. Wanting to jump out the window in hope of being able to take a normal breath. I don’t think someone who has not experienced a panic attack could truly understand how terrifying they can be.

Continue reading “Hi, I Have Anxiety.” →

#DoingMe, Boundaries, Dating, Fears, Insecurities, Love, Relationships, Starting Over

Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow

ninjabuns

tinder

Yes, I’m the creeper who has a profile of an inanimate object on TINDER. As a first time (semi-serious) Tinder user, I wanted to scope out what’s out there. Am I trying to date again? Maybe. Not really. I don’t know.

At the moment, this is more of an effort to figure out the characteristics of what I would like in a partner. Admittedly, I didn’t give it much thought in the past. I was conditioned to believe that I had limited options. Some of the “advice” I’ve been given:

“You shouldn’t be picky”

“Don’t worry, you’ll find a nice guy. I saw a PBS special where a woman who (some sort of unrelated disability) found someone to love her. You’ll find someone, too”

“Just be careful, a lot of guys will just use you for money” — thanks, this one was true!

“Everyone has a soulmate, you’ll find someone when you aren’t looking.” — ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Continue reading “Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow” →