I used to take the bus to and from an early headstart (special ed) pre-school. At the time, I didn’t know that it was only for “special” kids. Every child on TV took the bus and I was genuinely excited to go to school. I stopped taking the bus when I started public school and soon learned the “R-word” when the asshole kids would tease students who rode the bus. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed. I didn’t defend them because I was afraid I would also get teased. While I wasn’t one to defend, I sure didn’t join the asshole party and say mean things.
One night in a bar in LA, I was talking to a few awesome friends who had similar experiences. We exchanged stories and I learned that I wasn’t the only one who felt shitty about the labels associated with a seat on the “short bus”. One of my favorite classmates was a guy named K. He didn’t use words to communicate and he had to wear a helmet because he had to wear one for some reason. As an only child, I really enjoyed being around other kids and I didn’t notice a difference between me and K because I wasn’t conditioned to scrutinize diversity yet.
He lived in Waikiki, which isn’t far from my childhood home. I was picked up first and he would often sit next to me. One day, he bit my head. It wasn’t painful, but I was really bothered by the saliva drenching my hair. Since we were “special” kids, we had an aide assisting the bus driver. I was initially under the impression that it was probably part of her job to assist in removing his mouth from my head. When I asked her to help me, she told me, “shut your mouth, I don’t want to hear it”. As an obedient child who was taught not to “talk back”, I STFU as more drool ran down my head. It was my first experience feeling voiceless. I didn’t tell my parents because I believed I was wrong. Perhaps I was being unreasonable and my primary purpose of being on that bus was to just shut my mouth and sit down. I followed her “advice” for most of my young life. I know it’s not nice to shoot people and stuff, but I can understand how people reach that breaking point.
I was one of the lucky ones. I have nice parents who forced me to learn how to live with all sorts of people (both good and shitty). I was fortunate to have a lot of supportive mentors who taught me to advocate for myself. By middle school, I started to have a voice. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I went to public schools with semi-“bad” reputations and it was all good. It wasn’t easy, but I was okay. I currently work in an area with a high ratio of “vulnerable” populations. I don’t work with people with disabilities, but I have listened to many stories of people sharing their experiences feeling voiceless. Nothing makes me more angry than someone taking advantage of their position and demeaning someone else for personal gain. It takes all of my energy to remain calm and tell the responsible party to drink diarrhea and find another job more suitable for their nasty personality. The ONLY reason I don’t get crazy (anymore) is because no one listens to the lunatic who is shouting for manager after manager (I know from experience).
I was bored to tears during most of my MSW classes with the exception of maybe four (HBSE, surprisingly research, policy and community assessment). I had a chance to learn a lot (mostly from smart classmates) about the way all this shit works. One of my main takeaways is how to CALMLY cut through red tape and provide a voice for people who were worn down by bureaucracy and people who need to be fired. A HUGE red flag for me is when people tell me shit like, “I love working with vulnerable populations”. While many people have good intentions and work very well with people experiencing poverty, disabilities, etc., a lot of others are just assholes who thrive on being “the expert” and telling “vulnerable populations” how they SHOULD live their “shitty” lives.
My mentor would often remind me that social workers aren’t around to help people. We’re supposed to be partners assisting someone one their journey. We’re sounding boards. We provide information that they may or may not use. Self-Determination is the actual term and it’s part of our NASW Code of Ethics. I honestly felt inadequate during my MSW program. Everyone else seemed to know a lot of stuff about stuff and I just wanted to learn. I did learn a lot, but one of the most annoying (& heartbreaking) aspect of the program was the unwillingness to see things differently. I’m probably a dumbass sometimes and sometimes assume shit because I’m human. I hope people call me out on my shit because I don’t want to be another asshole who encourages someone to STFU and sit down.
You don’t have to be a social worker to assist in the journey of creating more opportunities for people. Spend less time assuming people are “lazy” and “don’t want to change”. Who cares if they don’t want to change? That isn’t any of your bizzznazzz. You don’t need an MSW (haha, I didn’t either because my job wanted experience!) to contribute to making this world a “better place”. If you’re in a position to do something, do it.
Here are some tangible examples for those who struggle with being condescending pricks:
– Hold the door open for someone if they are carrying a lot of shit. Don’t do it just because it’s a lady or someone with a limp, do it for anyone.
– When you see someone who you assume doesn’t have a home, don’t tell your kids that they need to study so they don’t “end up” like them. You would think it would be common sense for a parent not to say dumb things like this (especially in the company of someone resting on the side walk), but unfortunately, it’s not.
– If your kids are teasing someone, give them “everybody is different” talk calmly. Plant those seeds. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it helps. Don’t give up on your kids and assume they lack the capacity to be compassionate. Perhaps it’s too late for you, but the young ones still have a chance!
There are other things, but overall, just try to be kind to people. You don’t have to do a lot to make a ripple of change. Those subtle shift create so many positive experiences.
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I love this. Yes. We do all need to be kind to each other.
I feel like everyone has their own battle, their own stuff. Judging and ridiculing does not help.
Stop being assholes and be the better person. Compassion and love. 🙂
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Great post.
It’s amazing how seemingly little events that happen when we are little ones can really direct us towards a certain path. Sorry to hear that happened to you, especially on a bus filled with special needs children. Very surprising!
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