Author: ninjabuns

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

ninjabuns

FullSizeRender(1)

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor. Continue reading “Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Insecurities, Kindness, Love

I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!

ninjabuns
nextime
I started my day committing to #NoComplaintsWeek and quickly found it challenging to sustain. I lasted mayyybe two minutes after I tweeted a confirmation. In all fairness, I didn’t really commit to anything. I eluded that it was a good idea. My optimism peaks after a strong dose of caffeine. I try my best to be positive and chirpy, but I honestly feel so much sadness when people are inconsiderate assholes. I recognize my standards for people are pretty damn high and sometimes unreasonable. Actually, no. My standards aren’t much. I feel happiness when someone opens the door for me. I appreciate people not chewing me out for something I didn’t do. I feel grateful when humans treat me like a human. It baffles me that some of the most basic acts of humanity is lost on most people.
 
At the moment, I work in an area that has a pretty not-so-okay reputation of being scary and whatever. The media paints a picture of poverty and violence. People assume I took this job because I’m desperate. I was desperate. If I had some self-esteem before graduating, I may have missed out on this opportunity. I had all sorts of doubts and in the end trusted in a power greater than me that I was supposed to be here for this season.

Continue reading “I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Starting Over

Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible

ninjabuns

mrlovenstein

During my last year of graduate school, I hardly made any social commitments. Instead of getting together for a night out, I mostly stayed at home fixated on all of the work I needed to do. It wasn’t a huge work load, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Simple things like writing a learning agreement for my practicum or reading a literature review took me days to complete. I was frustrated and felt depleted in every aspect of my life. Although not formally diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I was going through some kind of significant depression. Did it heavily impact my work? Not really. I eventually got things done, but it just took longer than it would have if I was okay. Did this bout of depression impact my relationships? Yes.

Although I don’t typically have a problem being transparent, I was very closed off during the last year of grad school. On paper, it seemed like things were going well. I was working at my dream practicum site with so much support, under the supervision of a phenomenal social worker who is an excellent mentor. I was part of a competitive training program and had so many leadership opportunities. I worked alongside extremely gifted professionals who extended so much love and empathy. My family and friends were also consistently supportive, often checking in with me because they know I’m prone to depression. I had it all, yet I would often wish the world would just explode so I wouldn’t have to wake up again and find my pants to start the day all over again. Continue reading “Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible” →

#DoingMe, Kindness

Every Asshole has a Heart. …Somewhere.

ninjabuns

heart

I try my best not to be an asshole, which makes it all the more difficult to interact with people who have no qualms about being rude, condescending jackasses. It was a pretty good week with bits of horrible along the way. As someone who is prone to depression, I try my best to be optimistic. Life is too sad without laughter and in my case, dark humor. Beneath my seemingly sweet exterior is a very vile person (if you know me personally, you know it’s true), lol. I have to constantly remind myself that people are good (even if they are pretty obviously awful).

In an effort to keep my sanity intact, I drew this to remind myself that I’m not always seeing the complete picture. Somewhere deep down, everyone has some sort of sparkle (even if it’s buried in their assholes that may also occupy their humanity). If you’re struggling with difficult people, remember that it’s only temporary (hopefully). Extend grace, if possible. If not, do your heart a favor and let it go and think about something that makes you happy. For me, it’s a little chubby seal named Mamegoma and green parakeets. What is your happy place? #EveryAssholeHasAHeartSomewhere

Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Fears, Friendship, Kindness, Love, Social Anxiety

Hi, I Have Anxiety.

ninjabuns

social
(Source)

I was recently assigned to cover our front desk while our amazing AA is on a VERY WELL-DESERVED vacation. My desk is in clear view of hers and I consistently see her manage chaos like a symphony composer. I try my best to fill in the gaps, but she is always so kind to take on everything. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although I had a few days notice, I was absolutely riddled with anxiety. I came in about 30 minutes early (for two days) to familiarize with her procedures because I knew that I would have a breakdown if I had to figure it out with people there. As a new employee (just over a  month), it seemed to be logical thing to do in preparation.

While I tried my best to prepare, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the demands of her position. Oh, by the way, I also have social anxiety AND claustrophobia. Great. Something about in being in tight quarters with more than three people makes me feel like I will die. After about an hour of trying to keep things in order (answering a barrage of phone calls, assisting our clients, finding things, etc.), I was in the midst of what felt like a panic attack. I’ve had them before at the dentist. Lots of sweating. Palpitations. Wanting to jump out the window in hope of being able to take a normal breath. I don’t think someone who has not experienced a panic attack could truly understand how terrifying they can be.

Continue reading “Hi, I Have Anxiety.” →

Kindness

A Ziplock Bag of Nickels

ninjabuns

nickels

When I worked in retail, I saw everything. Happy people, impatient people (very common), superrr angry people and all sorts of examples of foolishness I don’t even want to go into. A few weeks ago, there was a “news” article about a man who paid for a $200+ speeding ticket with pennies. Many applauded him for “sticking it to… (somebody)”. I understand his frustration, but was that really necessary?

Several years ago when I worked as a seasonal employee at Macy’s, someone bought a Philosophy shampoo from me. As I processed her purchase, she unloaded a ziplock bag of nickels and plopped it on the counter. She dumped out the bag and said, “count it.” The really horrible thing about delivering “excellent customer service” is that you can’t tell someone to “&^%$ off” in a situation like this one. It’s just not in alignment with the “values” of the establishment. Instead of telling her where she and her stash could go (up her own ***hole), I smiled and counted those nickels. Continue reading “A Ziplock Bag of Nickels” →

#DoingMe, Boundaries, Dating, Fears, Insecurities, Love, Relationships, Starting Over

Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow

ninjabuns

tinder

Yes, I’m the creeper who has a profile of an inanimate object on TINDER. As a first time (semi-serious) Tinder user, I wanted to scope out what’s out there. Am I trying to date again? Maybe. Not really. I don’t know.

At the moment, this is more of an effort to figure out the characteristics of what I would like in a partner. Admittedly, I didn’t give it much thought in the past. I was conditioned to believe that I had limited options. Some of the “advice” I’ve been given:

“You shouldn’t be picky”

“Don’t worry, you’ll find a nice guy. I saw a PBS special where a woman who (some sort of unrelated disability) found someone to love her. You’ll find someone, too”

“Just be careful, a lot of guys will just use you for money” — thanks, this one was true!

“Everyone has a soulmate, you’ll find someone when you aren’t looking.” — ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Continue reading “Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow” →

Friendship, Insecurities, Relationships

Reflection and Bond-ing

ninjabuns

Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 8.45.42 AM

Last week I got a new phone. I didn’t have a chance to wait an additional 20 minutes to transfer my contacts and opted to come back another time. Along the way, I’ve had to plug in numbers I needed throughout the week. I sent a few semi-awkward “Who is this? I got a new phone” texts. While it was annoying at first, it was also an unexpected opportunity to be more cognizant of my significant relationships.

If you know me personally, I’m horrible with keeping in touch with people I love. I can go weeks, sometimes months and even years without talking to people. It has nothing to do with a lack of love or care. I suppose I’m very self-absorbed and the last few years have had its share of challenges. When your well is empty and hardly enough for yourself, it’s so hard to create spaces for other people. Sometimes, that’s just how life rolls.

Continue reading “Reflection and Bond-ing” →
Ambivert, Grad School, Insecurities

The Fear of Networking: Social Awkwardness or a Lack of Compassion for Self?

ninjabuns

Socially-Awkward-Meme

Source: Tim Gard

Last week I attended the Hawaii Public Health Conference. As part of our MCH (Maternal & Child Health) LEND (Leadership Education in Neurodevelopmental Disabilities) assignment, we were encouraged to utilize this networking opportunity and make establish new connections. I was terrified as networking involves initiating conversations with people (most often strangers), asking them questions and worst of all sharing information about myself.

While I generally don’t have any hesitancy to be transparent with people when someone initiate the conversation, I sorely lack the skills to initiate conversations. I have a few theories on why I feel this way:

  1. At 3’4″, my eye contact is commonly met at a person’s hip level (just imagine what else is in that region) and conversations while standing can be logistically a bit awkward.
  2. I’ve been raised to “not bother” people. I wait until spoken to and keep to myself until that occurs.I automatically feel guilty when I “interrupt” someone to engage in seemingly forced conversation.
  3. A sense of unworthiness has been looming through me as an adult student. I assume people aren’t interested in meeting me because I don’t have a lot to offer them in return. My perception of worth is often in alignment with my career and financial independence. At the moment, I don’t have an “official position” and I feel less than because I don’t have all of the things someone in their 30s “should have”.

Continue reading “The Fear of Networking: Social Awkwardness or a Lack of Compassion for Self?” →

Ambivert, Grad School

Why I (Currently) Dread Icebreakers

ninjabuns

icebreakers

(Source: RA Ice Breakers)

Throughout my life, I’ve always dreaded the first day of school because I knew the agenda would likely include an icebreaker. While the intention of icebreakers is to loosen the newness tension, it incites a nausea-inducing panic in me every time.

When an icebreaker is announced, the following thoughts occur:

– How do I escape?

– Please don’t be a physical activity. OMG I see balls. It’s physical.

– Please don’t ask us to remember everyone’s names.

– Please don’t ask the group to arrange by height.

– Should I just imply I have diarrhea and leave? Is that a valid excuse? Do I really want to start of this year with TMI?

After a few cycles of anticipating the worst-case scenario, I eventually accept the potential of impending doom and stop planning my escape.

There are generally two categories of icebreakers: physical and sharing emotions. I don’t mind sharing emotions, but I do cringe when it comes to physical activities. It bothers me because physical icebreakers usually accompany a wave of horror for the facilitator when they realize it’s a difficult activity for someone with a physical disability. Continue reading “Why I (Currently) Dread Icebreakers” →