Category: Starting Over

Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Love, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

When it comes to Mental Health, don’t be a freeloader!

ninjabuns

FullSizeRender(1)

I know I tend to overshare on my blogs, posts, etc., but I actually have a really difficult time expressing intimate details with friends. Sometimes people get defensive and think it has to do with trust issues, but the reality is that I’ve been conditioned not to talk about my issues. I don’t talk, I write. Over the weekend, I met with one of my mentors because I’m going through some personal matters. Instead of talking to her, I printed out an email I had sent because I knew I wouldn’t be able to even graze the surface if I relied on verbal words alone. I don’t like to talk about things because it’s very painful for me. I’m super good at hiding pain. I’m a lot like a bunny.
secretSecret Lives of Pets
 
As vulnerable creatures, they are in constant fear of predators and will it becomes second nature to hide their weaknesses. They look fine on the outside, but inside they’re physically suffering. I don’t know if bunnies experience sadness in the way humans do, but I understand their reasoning for keeping that shit to themselves. I don’t need to talk to a lot of friends because I see a therapist regularly to sort things out. There is a stigma and all, but the reality is that we humans come with a lot of shit and that shit is probably better suited to be properly handled by a pro. Therapists aren’t perfect. Some of them suck juicy ass, but others are really amazing. It’s like any other relationship, it just takes a bit of self-awareness and research to find a good fit. I’m very fortunate to be connected with good people (haha, I have two!).

Continue reading “When it comes to Mental Health, don’t be a freeloader!” →

Anxiety, Boundaries, Dating, Depression, Disability, Fears, Insecurities, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Confessions of a Little Thirrrsty *****

ninjabuns

When-someone-shows-you-who-they-are-believe-them-the-first-time.

Recently, I’ve been more intentional about keeping these powerful words close to my heart. While I appear to be a **** off-faced bitch most of the time, I have the tendency to be more empathetic than I should be. I know this may come off as a passive-aggressive “take this hint” sort of post, but it’s not directed to anyone in particular. I have been very fortunate to identify people and experiences in a truer light since coming out of my recent season of depression. I’ve invested so much time and energy into people who only took from me while I spent less time focusing on those who bring so much light into my life. There’s a part of me that still longs to be validated by people who make me feel insecure. This level of desperation has driven me to all sorts of dark places that always led back to feeling unworthy. Although I didn’t recognize it before, I can clearly recognize seasons where I acted and felt as if my only purpose was to occupy space.

As I move forward in my 30s, I’ve been redirecting my energy towards the people who have been consistent and away from those who only brought sadness in my life. While I love these people very much, I also recognize that it’s time to love myself a little bit more. Self-respect is an ongoing lesson for me. Although I’ve come very far throughout the years, I know there is still so much more to learn. Continue reading “Confessions of a Little Thirrrsty *****” →

Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Disability, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.

ninjabuns

FullSizeRender(3)

Last night I went to a comedy show in Hawaii and I was so happy that not even one performer used the word “midget” in their sets. I had promised friends to take them to a local comedy show and I finally delivered. The last time I took my friend to see one of my favorite comedians Ian Edwards because we were lucky he stopped by in Honolulu.

One of the openers did some crowd work and said something along the lines of “I know she’s (pointing at me) here, but I’m going to say it anyway”. Oh shit. He told an awkward (probably fake) story about how he slept with a blind person and or something and somehow associated it with me. Like a lot of uninformed Americans, he made the assumption all disabled people are the same (and need to be made fun of!). He reenacted himself doing nasty things to this person and at some point eluded that the gross experience was probably how I have sex. Some people laughed while most of the audience probably had their buttholes clenched tight like I did. I was thrilled when he finally stopped talking. Continue reading “Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

ninjabuns

FullSizeRender(1)

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor. Continue reading “Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Starting Over

Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible

ninjabuns

mrlovenstein

During my last year of graduate school, I hardly made any social commitments. Instead of getting together for a night out, I mostly stayed at home fixated on all of the work I needed to do. It wasn’t a huge work load, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Simple things like writing a learning agreement for my practicum or reading a literature review took me days to complete. I was frustrated and felt depleted in every aspect of my life. Although not formally diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I was going through some kind of significant depression. Did it heavily impact my work? Not really. I eventually got things done, but it just took longer than it would have if I was okay. Did this bout of depression impact my relationships? Yes.

Although I don’t typically have a problem being transparent, I was very closed off during the last year of grad school. On paper, it seemed like things were going well. I was working at my dream practicum site with so much support, under the supervision of a phenomenal social worker who is an excellent mentor. I was part of a competitive training program and had so many leadership opportunities. I worked alongside extremely gifted professionals who extended so much love and empathy. My family and friends were also consistently supportive, often checking in with me because they know I’m prone to depression. I had it all, yet I would often wish the world would just explode so I wouldn’t have to wake up again and find my pants to start the day all over again. Continue reading “Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible” →

#DoingMe, Boundaries, Dating, Fears, Insecurities, Love, Relationships, Starting Over

Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow

ninjabuns

tinder

Yes, I’m the creeper who has a profile of an inanimate object on TINDER. As a first time (semi-serious) Tinder user, I wanted to scope out what’s out there. Am I trying to date again? Maybe. Not really. I don’t know.

At the moment, this is more of an effort to figure out the characteristics of what I would like in a partner. Admittedly, I didn’t give it much thought in the past. I was conditioned to believe that I had limited options. Some of the “advice” I’ve been given:

“You shouldn’t be picky”

“Don’t worry, you’ll find a nice guy. I saw a PBS special where a woman who (some sort of unrelated disability) found someone to love her. You’ll find someone, too”

“Just be careful, a lot of guys will just use you for money” — thanks, this one was true!

“Everyone has a soulmate, you’ll find someone when you aren’t looking.” — ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Continue reading “Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow” →

Friendship, Starting Over

Things I Learned When I Opened a New Facebook Account

ninjabuns

Screen Shot 2015-08-06 at 7.49.25 AM
In July 2015, I closed my original Facebook account and started over. While most people tend to have a social media overhaul after a significant breakup and/or mental breakdown, I made this decision because I wanted to create an online space with people I know personally. Offline, I’ve made a conscientious effort to invest more time and energy in substantial relationships (family, genuine friendships, like-minded colleagues, etc.) that bring me joy. I felt it was also a good time to align my online connections accordingly.

I transitioned from 2,000+ FB friends to under 500. With the exception of a handful, I’ve met all of my current FB friends in person AND had significant interactions with them. It’s been a little over a month and I have no regrets. A few unexpected things happened when I made the switch. Upon receiving my friend request, many friends thought my identity had been compromised. I received a lot of emails, phone calls and texts confirming I had moved on to a new account. It was refreshing because those messages reminded me that my genuine friends give a shit and will let you know if you may be in danger. Starting over accompanied mixed emotions. It was a bit disappointing to now be detached from all tagged photos and posts from the last 10 years. However, it’s part of the reality of starting over and moving forward. I had all sorts of trivial fears about starting over: Continue reading “Things I Learned When I Opened a New Facebook Account” →