Category: Kindness

Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Disability, Fears, Insecurities, Kindness, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Kindness for Dummies: …or call the police!

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I had such an amazing day! I was consistently surrounded by wonderful people who shared so much light with me. My last stop for the day was buying a duffle bag at Ross on my way home at about 9:30pm. I was waiting in a long line of tourists when a little boy in front of me started pointing and teasing me. His Dad immediately told him: “stop being rude or I’ll have to call the police”. It was adorable and admittedly very satisfying to see his demeanor change. I tapped his Mom on the arm and told her I really appreciated that they didn’t ignore me like most parents in Hawaii tend to do when their kids poke fun at me.

She told me that she doesn’t want her children (she was also holding an infant) to be rude to other people. I shared that it was one of very experiences I’ve had where I felt supported in this sort of situation. She seemed surprised and I asked her if she was visiting Hawaii (I went to a Ross store with heavy tourist traffic). She said she was visiting from Sydney, Australia. We briefly discussed our shared love for Tim Tams and said our goodbyes as we reached the cashier.

I was a bit surprised because I’ve heard from several people that Australians are quite the opposite of this lovely family. Although I’ve never visited Australia, I’ve heard so any horror stories of people with disabilities being treated poorly. It made me think about my own impression of Hawaii. I miss California so much my heart hurts. At the same time, there are so many things about Hawaii that I do appreciate. I have a great support system here and it is beautiful (especially the drive out to Kaneohe via Like Like Highway).

Today was filled with beautiful examples of amazing people who reside in Hawaii. I was met with so much kindness and love today. I want to be less sad when I meet ignorant people. I want to be able to more calm. I want to be able to freely accept that someone’s perception of me does not define my value. I’m working on it. It’s also #UnreasonableAF to expect someone to accept shitty treatment. There’s a balance. I don’t know what it is, but I imagine it’s somewhere along the lines of “don’t be an asshole”.

The next time someone treats me like shit, I’m going to call the police on their dummy ass! Love and cuddles!

Boundaries, Depression, Disability, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Jobs, Kindness, Love, MSW, Social Work

From #SweatyAF to “Let’s love ourselves more” within 10 hours

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newoffice

Today I moved to a new office space and I was so excited! My morning started up with several unexpected issues and I rushed to haul everything in one trip. It’s about a 5-minute walk and my schedule didn’t allow for two trips. My original #Instagram post was written while I was catching my breath after struggling up a poorly paved road. I lied about not feeling sorry for myself. Although I wasn’t in full-on self-pity mode, I did feel a little sad for myself. Like every situation involving human beings, the photo does not provide an accurate glimpse of what led up to this particular Instagram post. I didn’t feel sad about carrying things, but I did feel very unsupported. Was it anyone’s fault? Yes. Mine.

This was my original post:

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Now that I’m sitting comfortably in AC and no longer a sweaty animal, I’m feeling so silly that I felt like I didn’t have support because I didn’t ask. I work with the most incredible people and if I had asked, I would’ve easily gotten some assistance in lightening the weight of this trek to my new office space. The truth is I have a huge problem with asking for help. Perhaps it’s rooted in fear that I’ll be seen as “less than” if I let people know I need assistance. I chose to work in a helping profession because I genuinely enjoy assisting other people realize their own potential. When it comes to other people, I am happy to assist and always encourage my clients to utilize their resources.

When it comes to making sure my own needs are met, I would… rather not. Like many other social workers, I don’t do a great job at taking care of myself. I ate lunch at 4:30pm before my last client was scheduled at 5pm. Instead of leaving by 7pm (I actually finish at 4:30pm), I stayed a little later and tried to organize my space so my desk wouldn’t look like a wreck tomorrow. I’m primarily motivated by being useful for others because I spent most of my life feeling quite uncomfortable if I wasn’t occupying all my time being productive. The only time I feel okay about relaxing is when I’m in the midst of a bout of depression and it’s hard for me to convince myself to wear pants. Continue reading “From #SweatyAF to “Let’s love ourselves more” within 10 hours” →

Anxiety, Disability, Fears, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Oppression, Poverty, Social Anxiety

“Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)

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I used to take the bus to and from an early headstart (special ed) pre-school. At the time, I didn’t know that it was only for “special” kids. Every child on TV took the bus and I was genuinely excited to go to school. I stopped taking the bus when I started public school and soon learned the “R-word” when the asshole kids would tease students who rode the bus. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed. I didn’t defend them because I was afraid I would also get teased. While I wasn’t one to defend, I sure didn’t join the asshole party and say mean things.

One night in a bar in LA, I was talking to a few awesome friends who had similar experiences. We exchanged stories and I learned that I wasn’t the only one who felt shitty about the labels associated with a seat on the “short bus”. One of my favorite classmates was a guy named K. He didn’t use words to communicate and he had to wear a helmet because he had to wear one for some reason. As an only child, I really enjoyed being around other kids and I didn’t notice a difference between me and K because I wasn’t conditioned to scrutinize diversity yet. Continue reading ““Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

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I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor. Continue reading “Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Insecurities, Kindness, Love

I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!

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I started my day committing to #NoComplaintsWeek and quickly found it challenging to sustain. I lasted mayyybe two minutes after I tweeted a confirmation. In all fairness, I didn’t really commit to anything. I eluded that it was a good idea. My optimism peaks after a strong dose of caffeine. I try my best to be positive and chirpy, but I honestly feel so much sadness when people are inconsiderate assholes. I recognize my standards for people are pretty damn high and sometimes unreasonable. Actually, no. My standards aren’t much. I feel happiness when someone opens the door for me. I appreciate people not chewing me out for something I didn’t do. I feel grateful when humans treat me like a human. It baffles me that some of the most basic acts of humanity is lost on most people.
 
At the moment, I work in an area that has a pretty not-so-okay reputation of being scary and whatever. The media paints a picture of poverty and violence. People assume I took this job because I’m desperate. I was desperate. If I had some self-esteem before graduating, I may have missed out on this opportunity. I had all sorts of doubts and in the end trusted in a power greater than me that I was supposed to be here for this season.

Continue reading “I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Starting Over

Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible

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mrlovenstein

During my last year of graduate school, I hardly made any social commitments. Instead of getting together for a night out, I mostly stayed at home fixated on all of the work I needed to do. It wasn’t a huge work load, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Simple things like writing a learning agreement for my practicum or reading a literature review took me days to complete. I was frustrated and felt depleted in every aspect of my life. Although not formally diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I was going through some kind of significant depression. Did it heavily impact my work? Not really. I eventually got things done, but it just took longer than it would have if I was okay. Did this bout of depression impact my relationships? Yes.

Although I don’t typically have a problem being transparent, I was very closed off during the last year of grad school. On paper, it seemed like things were going well. I was working at my dream practicum site with so much support, under the supervision of a phenomenal social worker who is an excellent mentor. I was part of a competitive training program and had so many leadership opportunities. I worked alongside extremely gifted professionals who extended so much love and empathy. My family and friends were also consistently supportive, often checking in with me because they know I’m prone to depression. I had it all, yet I would often wish the world would just explode so I wouldn’t have to wake up again and find my pants to start the day all over again. Continue reading “Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible” →

#DoingMe, Kindness

Every Asshole has a Heart. …Somewhere.

ninjabuns

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I try my best not to be an asshole, which makes it all the more difficult to interact with people who have no qualms about being rude, condescending jackasses. It was a pretty good week with bits of horrible along the way. As someone who is prone to depression, I try my best to be optimistic. Life is too sad without laughter and in my case, dark humor. Beneath my seemingly sweet exterior is a very vile person (if you know me personally, you know it’s true), lol. I have to constantly remind myself that people are good (even if they are pretty obviously awful).

In an effort to keep my sanity intact, I drew this to remind myself that I’m not always seeing the complete picture. Somewhere deep down, everyone has some sort of sparkle (even if it’s buried in their assholes that may also occupy their humanity). If you’re struggling with difficult people, remember that it’s only temporary (hopefully). Extend grace, if possible. If not, do your heart a favor and let it go and think about something that makes you happy. For me, it’s a little chubby seal named Mamegoma and green parakeets. What is your happy place? #EveryAssholeHasAHeartSomewhere

Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Fears, Friendship, Kindness, Love, Social Anxiety

Hi, I Have Anxiety.

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I was recently assigned to cover our front desk while our amazing AA is on a VERY WELL-DESERVED vacation. My desk is in clear view of hers and I consistently see her manage chaos like a symphony composer. I try my best to fill in the gaps, but she is always so kind to take on everything. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although I had a few days notice, I was absolutely riddled with anxiety. I came in about 30 minutes early (for two days) to familiarize with her procedures because I knew that I would have a breakdown if I had to figure it out with people there. As a new employee (just over a  month), it seemed to be logical thing to do in preparation.

While I tried my best to prepare, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the demands of her position. Oh, by the way, I also have social anxiety AND claustrophobia. Great. Something about in being in tight quarters with more than three people makes me feel like I will die. After about an hour of trying to keep things in order (answering a barrage of phone calls, assisting our clients, finding things, etc.), I was in the midst of what felt like a panic attack. I’ve had them before at the dentist. Lots of sweating. Palpitations. Wanting to jump out the window in hope of being able to take a normal breath. I don’t think someone who has not experienced a panic attack could truly understand how terrifying they can be.

Continue reading “Hi, I Have Anxiety.” →

Kindness

A Ziplock Bag of Nickels

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nickels

When I worked in retail, I saw everything. Happy people, impatient people (very common), superrr angry people and all sorts of examples of foolishness I don’t even want to go into. A few weeks ago, there was a “news” article about a man who paid for a $200+ speeding ticket with pennies. Many applauded him for “sticking it to… (somebody)”. I understand his frustration, but was that really necessary?

Several years ago when I worked as a seasonal employee at Macy’s, someone bought a Philosophy shampoo from me. As I processed her purchase, she unloaded a ziplock bag of nickels and plopped it on the counter. She dumped out the bag and said, “count it.” The really horrible thing about delivering “excellent customer service” is that you can’t tell someone to “&^%$ off” in a situation like this one. It’s just not in alignment with the “values” of the establishment. Instead of telling her where she and her stash could go (up her own ***hole), I smiled and counted those nickels. Continue reading “A Ziplock Bag of Nickels” →