Category: Boundaries

Anxiety, Boundaries, Dating, Depression, Disability, Fears, Insecurities, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Confessions of a Little Thirrrsty *****

ninjabuns

When-someone-shows-you-who-they-are-believe-them-the-first-time.

Recently, I’ve been more intentional about keeping these powerful words close to my heart. While I appear to be a **** off-faced bitch most of the time, I have the tendency to be more empathetic than I should be. I know this may come off as a passive-aggressive “take this hint” sort of post, but it’s not directed to anyone in particular. I have been very fortunate to identify people and experiences in a truer light since coming out of my recent season of depression. I’ve invested so much time and energy into people who only took from me while I spent less time focusing on those who bring so much light into my life. There’s a part of me that still longs to be validated by people who make me feel insecure. This level of desperation has driven me to all sorts of dark places that always led back to feeling unworthy. Although I didn’t recognize it before, I can clearly recognize seasons where I acted and felt as if my only purpose was to occupy space.

As I move forward in my 30s, I’ve been redirecting my energy towards the people who have been consistent and away from those who only brought sadness in my life. While I love these people very much, I also recognize that it’s time to love myself a little bit more. Self-respect is an ongoing lesson for me. Although I’ve come very far throughout the years, I know there is still so much more to learn. Continue reading “Confessions of a Little Thirrrsty *****” →

Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Disability, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.

ninjabuns

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Last night I went to a comedy show in Hawaii and I was so happy that not even one performer used the word “midget” in their sets. I had promised friends to take them to a local comedy show and I finally delivered. The last time I took my friend to see one of my favorite comedians Ian Edwards because we were lucky he stopped by in Honolulu.

One of the openers did some crowd work and said something along the lines of “I know she’s (pointing at me) here, but I’m going to say it anyway”. Oh shit. He told an awkward (probably fake) story about how he slept with a blind person and or something and somehow associated it with me. Like a lot of uninformed Americans, he made the assumption all disabled people are the same (and need to be made fun of!). He reenacted himself doing nasty things to this person and at some point eluded that the gross experience was probably how I have sex. Some people laughed while most of the audience probably had their buttholes clenched tight like I did. I was thrilled when he finally stopped talking. Continue reading “Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

ninjabuns

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I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor. Continue reading “Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Insecurities, Kindness, Love

I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!

ninjabuns
nextime
I started my day committing to #NoComplaintsWeek and quickly found it challenging to sustain. I lasted mayyybe two minutes after I tweeted a confirmation. In all fairness, I didn’t really commit to anything. I eluded that it was a good idea. My optimism peaks after a strong dose of caffeine. I try my best to be positive and chirpy, but I honestly feel so much sadness when people are inconsiderate assholes. I recognize my standards for people are pretty damn high and sometimes unreasonable. Actually, no. My standards aren’t much. I feel happiness when someone opens the door for me. I appreciate people not chewing me out for something I didn’t do. I feel grateful when humans treat me like a human. It baffles me that some of the most basic acts of humanity is lost on most people.
 
At the moment, I work in an area that has a pretty not-so-okay reputation of being scary and whatever. The media paints a picture of poverty and violence. People assume I took this job because I’m desperate. I was desperate. If I had some self-esteem before graduating, I may have missed out on this opportunity. I had all sorts of doubts and in the end trusted in a power greater than me that I was supposed to be here for this season.

Continue reading “I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Starting Over

Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible

ninjabuns

mrlovenstein

During my last year of graduate school, I hardly made any social commitments. Instead of getting together for a night out, I mostly stayed at home fixated on all of the work I needed to do. It wasn’t a huge work load, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Simple things like writing a learning agreement for my practicum or reading a literature review took me days to complete. I was frustrated and felt depleted in every aspect of my life. Although not formally diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I was going through some kind of significant depression. Did it heavily impact my work? Not really. I eventually got things done, but it just took longer than it would have if I was okay. Did this bout of depression impact my relationships? Yes.

Although I don’t typically have a problem being transparent, I was very closed off during the last year of grad school. On paper, it seemed like things were going well. I was working at my dream practicum site with so much support, under the supervision of a phenomenal social worker who is an excellent mentor. I was part of a competitive training program and had so many leadership opportunities. I worked alongside extremely gifted professionals who extended so much love and empathy. My family and friends were also consistently supportive, often checking in with me because they know I’m prone to depression. I had it all, yet I would often wish the world would just explode so I wouldn’t have to wake up again and find my pants to start the day all over again. Continue reading “Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible” →

Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Fears, Friendship, Kindness, Love, Social Anxiety

Hi, I Have Anxiety.

ninjabuns

social
(Source)

I was recently assigned to cover our front desk while our amazing AA is on a VERY WELL-DESERVED vacation. My desk is in clear view of hers and I consistently see her manage chaos like a symphony composer. I try my best to fill in the gaps, but she is always so kind to take on everything. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although I had a few days notice, I was absolutely riddled with anxiety. I came in about 30 minutes early (for two days) to familiarize with her procedures because I knew that I would have a breakdown if I had to figure it out with people there. As a new employee (just over a  month), it seemed to be logical thing to do in preparation.

While I tried my best to prepare, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the demands of her position. Oh, by the way, I also have social anxiety AND claustrophobia. Great. Something about in being in tight quarters with more than three people makes me feel like I will die. After about an hour of trying to keep things in order (answering a barrage of phone calls, assisting our clients, finding things, etc.), I was in the midst of what felt like a panic attack. I’ve had them before at the dentist. Lots of sweating. Palpitations. Wanting to jump out the window in hope of being able to take a normal breath. I don’t think someone who has not experienced a panic attack could truly understand how terrifying they can be.

Continue reading “Hi, I Have Anxiety.” →

#DoingMe, Boundaries, Dating, Fears, Insecurities, Love, Relationships, Starting Over

Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow

ninjabuns

tinder

Yes, I’m the creeper who has a profile of an inanimate object on TINDER. As a first time (semi-serious) Tinder user, I wanted to scope out what’s out there. Am I trying to date again? Maybe. Not really. I don’t know.

At the moment, this is more of an effort to figure out the characteristics of what I would like in a partner. Admittedly, I didn’t give it much thought in the past. I was conditioned to believe that I had limited options. Some of the “advice” I’ve been given:

“You shouldn’t be picky”

“Don’t worry, you’ll find a nice guy. I saw a PBS special where a woman who (some sort of unrelated disability) found someone to love her. You’ll find someone, too”

“Just be careful, a lot of guys will just use you for money” — thanks, this one was true!

“Everyone has a soulmate, you’ll find someone when you aren’t looking.” — ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Continue reading “Tinder Adventures: Pink Seal with a Bow” →