Category: Anxiety

Anxiety, Disability, Fears, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Oppression, Poverty, Social Anxiety

“Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)

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I used to take the bus to and from an early headstart (special ed) pre-school. At the time, I didn’t know that it was only for “special” kids. Every child on TV took the bus and I was genuinely excited to go to school. I stopped taking the bus when I started public school and soon learned the “R-word” when the asshole kids would tease students who rode the bus. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed. I didn’t defend them because I was afraid I would also get teased. While I wasn’t one to defend, I sure didn’t join the asshole party and say mean things.

One night in a bar in LA, I was talking to a few awesome friends who had similar experiences. We exchanged stories and I learned that I wasn’t the only one who felt shitty about the labels associated with a seat on the “short bus”. One of my favorite classmates was a guy named K. He didn’t use words to communicate and he had to wear a helmet because he had to wear one for some reason. As an only child, I really enjoyed being around other kids and I didn’t notice a difference between me and K because I wasn’t conditioned to scrutinize diversity yet. Continue reading ““Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

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I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor. Continue reading “Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Insecurities, Kindness, Love

I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!

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nextime
I started my day committing to #NoComplaintsWeek and quickly found it challenging to sustain. I lasted mayyybe two minutes after I tweeted a confirmation. In all fairness, I didn’t really commit to anything. I eluded that it was a good idea. My optimism peaks after a strong dose of caffeine. I try my best to be positive and chirpy, but I honestly feel so much sadness when people are inconsiderate assholes. I recognize my standards for people are pretty damn high and sometimes unreasonable. Actually, no. My standards aren’t much. I feel happiness when someone opens the door for me. I appreciate people not chewing me out for something I didn’t do. I feel grateful when humans treat me like a human. It baffles me that some of the most basic acts of humanity is lost on most people.
 
At the moment, I work in an area that has a pretty not-so-okay reputation of being scary and whatever. The media paints a picture of poverty and violence. People assume I took this job because I’m desperate. I was desperate. If I had some self-esteem before graduating, I may have missed out on this opportunity. I had all sorts of doubts and in the end trusted in a power greater than me that I was supposed to be here for this season.

Continue reading “I tried #NoComplaintsWeek and I FAILED!” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Starting Over

Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible

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During my last year of graduate school, I hardly made any social commitments. Instead of getting together for a night out, I mostly stayed at home fixated on all of the work I needed to do. It wasn’t a huge work load, but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. Simple things like writing a learning agreement for my practicum or reading a literature review took me days to complete. I was frustrated and felt depleted in every aspect of my life. Although not formally diagnosed, I’m pretty sure I was going through some kind of significant depression. Did it heavily impact my work? Not really. I eventually got things done, but it just took longer than it would have if I was okay. Did this bout of depression impact my relationships? Yes.

Although I don’t typically have a problem being transparent, I was very closed off during the last year of grad school. On paper, it seemed like things were going well. I was working at my dream practicum site with so much support, under the supervision of a phenomenal social worker who is an excellent mentor. I was part of a competitive training program and had so many leadership opportunities. I worked alongside extremely gifted professionals who extended so much love and empathy. My family and friends were also consistently supportive, often checking in with me because they know I’m prone to depression. I had it all, yet I would often wish the world would just explode so I wouldn’t have to wake up again and find my pants to start the day all over again. Continue reading “Hi, I had a Depression Baby!: Nine Months of Horrible” →

Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Fears, Friendship, Kindness, Love, Social Anxiety

Hi, I Have Anxiety.

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I was recently assigned to cover our front desk while our amazing AA is on a VERY WELL-DESERVED vacation. My desk is in clear view of hers and I consistently see her manage chaos like a symphony composer. I try my best to fill in the gaps, but she is always so kind to take on everything. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although I had a few days notice, I was absolutely riddled with anxiety. I came in about 30 minutes early (for two days) to familiarize with her procedures because I knew that I would have a breakdown if I had to figure it out with people there. As a new employee (just over a  month), it seemed to be logical thing to do in preparation.

While I tried my best to prepare, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the demands of her position. Oh, by the way, I also have social anxiety AND claustrophobia. Great. Something about in being in tight quarters with more than three people makes me feel like I will die. After about an hour of trying to keep things in order (answering a barrage of phone calls, assisting our clients, finding things, etc.), I was in the midst of what felt like a panic attack. I’ve had them before at the dentist. Lots of sweating. Palpitations. Wanting to jump out the window in hope of being able to take a normal breath. I don’t think someone who has not experienced a panic attack could truly understand how terrifying they can be.

Continue reading “Hi, I Have Anxiety.” →