About a month ago, I opened a match.com account because I thought it would be a good idea to start dating again during the summer while I have a break from school. Although I’ve done online dating numerous times in the past, I was never looking for a relationship. I claimed to want a relationship, but I behaved in a way that reflected that I really wanted to cuddle with people who wanted to offer nothing other than his penis (when it was available on his terms only).
I was scared of relationships because people have to be vulnerable and trusting. At the time, I was in horrible predicament after another and was honestly in no position to be a good partner to anyone. I also had a lot of trouble accepting that I was worthy of love and human decency. Since moving back to Honolulu, I’ve sorted myself out a bit. I feel better about myself because I’ve been consistent with seeking ways to improve myself through therapy, soul-searching, self-awareness, surrounding myself with positive people and getting my shit together. While I’m not 100% ready to be in a relationship just yet, I’m starting to feel a bit more comfortable entertaining the idea of making decisions that are in alignment with building a healthy partnership.
At the moment, I’m finishing up my last year of grad school and it’s probably not the best time to be dating. However, as someone who has never took dating seriously, I felt it would be a good time to become more accustomed to interacting with potential partners so I don’t want to vomit every I talk to a person I find attractive. I don’t hide my emotions well and the look of nausea is hardly a good place to start one’s journey with a potential husband. Or is this hot now? No? OK!
Last night, I sent my first message to initiate a conversation with someone I found attractive. He also had so many amazing qualities that I appreciated. He didn’t have a neck tattoo and he likes dogs! Things were looking very promising and then I ruined it by writing him this message:
— the start of something awful —
Aloha! (so cheesy, sorry) I joined match a few weeks ago because I wanted to meet some new friends. We have quite a bit in common and if you’re interested in exploring the possibility of friendship, let me know. I’m horrible at writing to strangers. This is so awkward. I’m also not 100% we haven’t met before. I’m also in a graduate social work program (MSW) so maybe I’ve seen you at a workshop? If that’s the case and it’s weird, don’t even worry! I’m like most reasonable human beings and understand that no response just means we never have to speak of this awkward message ever again. Okay, well… I’ve clearly established I’m have absolutely no concept of how to properly communicate on this platform. I now realize why people just start out with “hi” and leave it at that. In closing, just wanted to share that I found your profile charming and wish you the best of luck in finding new friends and opportunities for love. 🙂
— it eventually ends —
What did I learn from that expression of verbal diarrhea? I’m terrible at initiating online dating conversations. In the middle of writing to that guy, I had a panic attack when I realized I’ve never had to write to someone before. In the past, I always waited for a guy to talk to me first because I feared rejection. WHY DID I HIT SEND? I had numerous opportunities to stop and utilize a friend lifeline but NOOOOOOOOOO I was amped up on adrenaline and sent it anyway!
I haven’t even logged on to my match.com account yet. I woke up this morning and momentarily thought, “oh man, I can’t believe I had a dream about writing such a dumb message” immediately followed by, “OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” when I read this text:
On match.com, no one writes to me. Honolulu is a small city and it’s more than likely that we’ve seen everyone on that site and already made the decision that there is no attraction in person. It’s also additionally challenging because I don’t look like anyone’s dream girl. I don’t have nice tits. I’m a Little Person and some people would rather not date me. Conversely, some people who are super into Little People just want to check that sucka off their bucket list. So, there’s that. In the past, I’ve always either waited for a guy to talk to me first or I wrote to a guy I thought was cute and never got a response. Due to the fear of rejection, I’ve been waiting for a guy to talk to me.
The downside of waiting for a guy to initiate a conversation comes down to two kinds of dudes:
Candidate Type #1: The guys who have a photo album of 100+ digital dick pics ready for distribution. They only write “hi” because it takes too much energy to compose a note for the 100s of women who they think may want to lick their penis for 15 minutes.
Candidate Type #2: Men who have had a challenging run with online dating. These guys are the ones who believe that “nice guys finish last” because they are under the impression that buying someone dinner at Maharani Cafe guarantees she should want to marry him. Was it his awkward demeanor? No, it couldn’t be that! Was it his stance that all gay people should burn in hell because they’re sinners who don’t deserve love? Of course not! Was it because girls are gold diggers who use nice guys for Saag Paneer and Chicken Tandoori because they’re just bitches?! YES!
SO. Now that I’m attempting to find someone who isn’t a soul-less dick wielder or someone who will email me things like “YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY I GAVE YOU A CHANCE YOU MIDGET BITCH!” (yes, this has happened) or “I HOPE YOU FOREVER WRITE IN YOUR DUMB BLOGS AND CRY FOREVER ALONE!”. With the help of some trusted friends, I now send PDF files of men I’m considering. I don’t trust myself to choose good people. In the past, I’ve unknowingly dated a guy who was “allegedly” a rapist (it was in an newspaper) and someone who threatened to microwave my bunny Thomas if I cheated on him (but he actually cheated on me first). SO, at this point, I think a proper round vetting may be appropriate.
Why am I writing all of this? I wanted to share these details in hope of encouraging anyone who is getting back into dating. Dating sucks for everyone who isn’t a crazy-confident and jovial human (sometimes these people are psychopaths–be careful!). While I know it’s traditional for men to “grow a pair” and initiate a conversation, sometimes the best candidates aren’t going to find you. A nice guy isn’t on match.com 5 hours a day becuase he has a job and isn’t just trying to get his dick sucked. Good people are out there, but I think it helps to take some initiative.
As I continue on to this awful, yet necessary journey of opening up to the possibility of reciprocal and genuine love, I know it’ll get weird sometimes. I accept that. Some people are going to be awful. SO awful I’ll want to punch them in the throat until they collapse so I can find someone (because I can’t lift more than 10lbs.) to throw them in the dumpster where they belong. Dating is a numbers game. The more opportunities we take, the better our chances of meeting someone cool.
It’s likely that we’ll meet a lot of cool people, but some of those relationships won’t last because it just wasn’t a good fit. Don’t be discouraged. No one owes anyone anything and the experience itself is forward-moving because no one meets the love of their lives at home watching Netflix while eating a 2-serving sharable bag of crispy M&Ms alone #LastNight #AllTheTime
Love always wins. Real love, not “wanna suck my dick in the parking lot?” kind of (whatever that is, ew, gross). Go out there and meet people. It’s going to get weird and it’s going to be so hilarious. Yay!
