I recently went to the gay pride parade because I support human equality and it’s always a lot of fun. Everyone is happy and it’s the only time of the year when Waikiki isn’t a horrible place. Since the parade, many family members and friends have asked me if I’m a closeted lesbian. No, I’m not. Although–
–Here are some recent responses from my loved ones upon telling them that I’m not gay.
1. “I mean, whatever makes you happy. I’m totally fine with it if you are. I don’t even give a shit about that. Are you?”
2. “Are you sure?
3. “…but the pictures”
4. “I hope you meet a nice lady who treats you really good” – My Mom * For a Korean Mom, creating a safe space to be gay or not gay is HUGE. My Mom is a wonderful human being.
5. “…” (conversation abruptly ends) – My Dad * He didn’t ask me. I actually asked him if he thought I was gay and “…” was his response and the conversation immediately shifted to whether or not we should try the gyros at Don Quixote (Leo’s Taverna). My Dad is a wonderful human being.
6. “I was hoping you were”
7. “…but it’d be hot. I think you’re just not sure until you try it.”
As a society, we’re fixated on assessing people by limited information. It’s not surprising as we’re checking boxes right at birth and assign all sorts of labels to our kids that inevitably condition us as adults. While I was surprised that people who know me so well had second-guessed my “Nope, not gay” response, I completely understand. It comes from their sensitivity to maintaining a safe space “just in case”.
I don’t fault my family and friends at all because I have several characteristics that could be easily assumed to indicate that I may want to be in a relationship with a “nice lady”:
1. I’m 31-year-old and “STILL” single.
2. I’m not married to a man.
3. I have not been on a date with a man (or a woman) in over a year.
4. I crashed the 2013 & 2015 gay pride parades and everyone there (and anyone who reads Honolulu Magazine & Advocate Hawaii) saw me waving rainbow flags and celebrating the progression of gay rights.
5. I have female friends who are in relationships with women.
6. I have male friends who are in relationships with men.
7. I’m a supporter of marriage equality and get super huffy when people refuse to honor human rights.
So what is it? Why am I in support of gay rights when I’m not gay myself? I feel very fortunate that I never saw identifying as gay or transgender as “wrong”. “Gay people” or “transgender people” were always just people because I was introduced (at a young age, probably 7?) to the fact that some men love men and some women love women and some people have to endure a very invasive procedure because their bodies were not accurate expressions of their true identity. For 7-year-old-ish me, I didn’t need further explanation.
My first time meeting a transgender woman was when I was in first grade. My friend told me that her brother was going to be her sister soon. It was all cool because she was nice and treated me like a human being. The beautiful thing about children is their flexibility to accept people with no or minimal explanation. Adults make a mess of things because our capacity to see through a different lens is often hardened by how we’ve been conditioned.
I celebrate anyone’s journey to being more authentic with themselves, especially when that level of truth goes against society’s conventional “standards”. For many [probably ALL] people, it’s difficult to accept our realities and even more terrifying to open up to a space of inviting others to love our authentic selves. We all have areas in our lives that we fear others won’t embrace if they “really knew”. Here are some of mine:
1. I have an “irrational” fear of the dentist that’s so bad I have to be sedated (like Ozzy Osborne) or I’ll bite someone during panic attacks. * I don’t think Ozzy bites people when not medicate, but I sure have!
2. I’m fascinated by the Kardashian family. I bought their overpriced cupcake mix just so I could see Kim in person at Famous Cupcakes in Beverly Hills, CA. Am I ashamed of myself? NO. (#SorryNotSorry I love them!)
3. I’m a Little Person and many people can’t accept that I’m worthy of love and human decency. My ex-boyfriend’s Mom pressured him to break up with me because she didn’t feel I was suitable to be in her family. He agreed. I still haven’t been able to entertain the possibility of a “real” relationship because I fear all parents won’t accept me.
4. I have to use a walker that makes a lot of noise because I live in a world that doesn’t care to make assistive technology attractive and more efficient (because it doesn’t generate a lot of money).
5. I’m entering my final year of graduate school and don’t have a steady flow of income. I get paid in experience at my day job and make actual money helping my family’s business. I don’t know what the job market will be like when I graduate.
6. I’ve never been in a healthy relationship. I subconsciously (more likely intentionally) chose men who were emotionally unavailable so I wouldn’t be as disappointed when our time together inevitably ended. I’m 31 and don’t know if I have the capacity to be in a reciprocate relationship with a nice person.
7. At the moment, I’m opting not to have biological children. Kids are awesome and bring so much joy and love in this world. However, I don’t see myself as a biological Mother. I think I’m a cool Aunty and I’m working on being a better Godmother. I would be open to marrying someone who already has kids, but I won’t be having any of my own. This is a dealbreaker for many people, but I stand by my decision.
The point of this random note was not to let everyone know I’m not a lesbian. If you think I like women, that’s okay. I like men. While I don’t feel a need to explain myself to anyone, I do want to avoid any situations that involve being set up with a nice lady. I just don’t want to waste anyone’s time and create an unnecessarily awkward “date” (because I’ve had enough of those with men).
I hope this offers some perspective on why I get super excited during gay pride parades and why I celebrate the passing of laws that help people who love each other put a ring on it. I’m a big fan of love. I find the most joy when people can offer the flexibility of shifting their perspectives and love on someone else without having to understand every little detail. To me, that’s beautiful.
