Song on repeat to calm down: “Hypnotize” Notorious B.I.G.
Hi, it’s me. Turns out I may or not be the problem. I personally believe in taking accountability for one’s own bullshit. I had a hard time in my MSW program as the model is more helpful for those who grew up in a cycle of poverty. My parents were fortunate to break through the cycle and thought money was enough. Therapy? Nah. They didn’t know I was so stressed as a child because in the 80s, snorting coke and bad hair was the thing, I believe. I don’t know. I was like, what, younger than 4 back there? 1984! Yes, I’m 42, stressed as shit and likely exhibiting signs of perimenopause. I never wanted my own children, but that’s a story for another time. What I’m trying to say in a nice way, is that the reason I was “trying to have a baby” on TLC’s reality show was because of a private conversation I had with a very close friend who tried WAY TOO hard to heal my trauma surrounding my relationship. Stephen is a very wonderful and kind soul, but I did not understand what was going on with him. Ask any of our mutual friends. I think he has since changed his views and settled down some and may I don’t get British humor as much I thought I did (they are kinda boring to be honest). He wasn’t boring, but OMG confused the shit out of me with his “let’s learn more about healthy sexual boundaries” and took me to all these Sex Positive workshops. He assumed I was ready for it, but when someone yelled out, “How come beastiality isn’t considered a healthy way to express love?” He looked like my father when my Mom would say something that should’ve been an email, lol. After having a pretty solid sleep, I feel a little less depressed and or angry. I am not sure.
I know a lot of people have figured out by now that I’m very depressed and may need another visit to Hoag Hospital – Newport Beach, CA I asked the Sheriff if he wouldn’t mind taking me there because I obviously had an inappropriate relationship with my beloved Jack and Coke. Jack as in Jack Daniels and Coke as in Coca-Cola. I felt it’s important to make the distinction as I was hanging out in Newport Beach, CA and while an absolutely gorgeous place, it is a little too easy to get trashed there and get sent to a nice rehab OR in my case, an involuntary hold next door at Hoag Hospital. I am trying to be less scatted. I only recently realized that my memory is very shitty when it comes to remember bullshit like trauma and when I act like a baby at a bar and cry to the sheriff that I forgot my wallet at home in Studio City, CA. He was like, “Sweetie, are you okay? Would you like to see a doctor or should we take you to jail?” That’ll sober a normal person up real fast.
However, I was dealing with the Kris Jenner of the Orange County Sheriff’s Department and I cried hysterically, and screamed like Kristin Bell in that Sloth video on Ellen. Look that shit up yourself. Anyway, I clearly need an editor and will ask Paula Johnson if she wouldn’t mind helping me be less scattered. I am an over-explainer because I never want to see my Dad cry and sometimes I was a handful. This is not some patriarchal bullshit or anything. I just have a kind soul of a father (as most Veterans are) and a more reserved Korean Mom. My parents are amazing, but as many others Asians–I am trying so hard not to say “f**king Asians” but my patience makes it difficult.
I joke that Koreans are angry blah blah blah, but truthfully I will verbally knock a bitch out if they bring up that I have that “crazy Korean temper”. What the actual f***??? Are you talking about my Mom? I wanted to be a maker of peace, but I’m about to verbally stab you in the neck. Korean people will understand. My sweet father thought his sweet little daughter was nice Japanese girl. I suppressed my anger A LOT. I don’t give two shits about the kids I punched in the face (boys only, I didn’t hit girls because girls know how to act right–not all, but most). Stereotypes exist for a f**king reason. It’s so annoying to self-sensor myself. This is why I loved my Greek roommate while I was taking and failing miserably at a UCLA screenwriting course I took at the Extension. Full disclosure: I fell asleep taking the GRE and just colored in bubbles… this was back in 2005 so it was on paper.
I told ya’ll I’m 42, so please track with me. My unedited bullshit is so hard to write without “cursing” but I’m trying to curse less because my family in Texas actually reads the bible and asked me not to swear in front of the children. The children are adults now, but my closest relative is now a grandmother to a beautiful, 5? year old and I don’t want him to think I’m scary. He is HIGHLY intelligent like his gorgeous GRANDMA, lol, sorry I just can’t believe my unnie is a halmoni (할머니). Hate AI all you want bitches, the translate feature is a blessing from God. I wanted to smash (smash as in f*** for those of you who aren’t millennial lol) Sam Altman for helping me communicate with my Mom better. I don’t really, he would find me off-putting for sure. Some people have an ick about me being a Little Person (not a midget you fucking idiot). Try to cry yourself to sleep every night of your life dicks, I don’t care!!! You are setting all the LPA work back to shit with defending this shit.
I am not trying to roast on Brad Williams right now. He’s actually a very cool guy. I think he grew up in Fullerton and I may be wrong, but we were likely raised with a lot of love and maybe financial security? He is a functional human being while I was a drunk whore who didn’t know when it was time to go home and take a nap. The shit dive bars I frequented often take my keys and let me take a nap in my backseat of my Toyota Prius. I used to use Costco toilet paper Scott Shimamoto helped me buy as a pillow. He lived in Pasadena and I lived in Studio City. Anyway, I may or may not have drunk dialed Brad in 2018 because I couldn’t “name my feelings” and was drinking Four Roses bourbon more than water at the time. I had a few questionable (Kaimuki High represent–chee-hoo, lol) experiences with experimenting, but I was a heavy drinker. Heavy for a man three times my size, so like 6ft. I wasn’t okay and my Dad was so angry with me for using his “credit card again at another bar”. I was f**ked up, give me some space.
If you want to understand the ADHD mind better, I suggest some light reading: “Scattered Minds” by Dr. Gabor Mate. It’s the book that truly changed my views on my own brain and made me happy I am sober now. You would think not getting almost arrested and throwing up in a parking lot after getting out of the Lyft would be enough of a reason, but apparently not, lol. Thank you to my friend Ikaika from school who didn’t judge me for drinking so much at In-Betweens in Waikiki. More on that later. I don’t have someone to reign my scattered, chubby ass in these days. I can’t tell this stuff to my Dad as I want to be considerate that he’s 77 now and is probably tired of my bullshit. He is having a hard time because he’s worried I’m going to be a parakeet again and abruptly fly away without telling him like I did in 2016.
I am 100% telling the truth that I was responsible there. Everyone got mad at my Mom, but I was responsible for managing my own emotions. As my therapist used to encourage, “Ms. Kawasaki, name your feelings.” Sobriety is a fucking bitch. I’m sorry JB (my brother-in-law), but this part is just too hard to keep writing little stars like I’m not a 42 alcoholic that should probably stay away from my beloved bourbon. As a Japanese person, I am sad. As a Korean person, I have to take a 5mg valium to fall asleep. Is this normal? I don’t know. I have the good sense to be at least a little embarrassed.
A LOT of people think I’m bi-polar. I am not. I’ve been on not one, but 4? 5150 holds. My friend at the time R had 5150 tattooed on his bald head and I asked him why he had involuntary hold on his head. Like why? I don’t get tattoos. I have commitment issues. No judgement, just genuine curiosity.
By the way, I am now listening to “Nobody’s Watching” by Hollywood Undead. Thank you to my babysitter David for the warm introduction. Or was it that gorgeous girl I met at that shitty Motel 6 in Costa Mesa when I was cuddling with my friend? I can’t remember to be honest. It was a blurry time. I used to be able to handle my alcohol better, but I would occasionally snort my Adderall so I wouldn’t accidentally die on the commute home from Cypress to Studio City. It’s one hell of a commute. Imagine that bullshit 5 days a week. Jiffy Lube reported my milage to State Farm and accused me of lying about my mileage. Look bitches, I liked you because the location at Lido were cool, but I did not lie. I was unemployed when I signed up. Drunk also, but shit, what a rude ass thing to say. I was stressed! My cortisol levels were high and my BP was that of a coked out hooker on Sunset Blvd. If you don’t know LA, I trust you’re smart enough to understand basic drug culture. We can have a lesson later.
I, too, have insecurities of feeling like an idiot. My report cards were all “Diane is sweet, but she goes to the bathroom 5 times a day. We suspect she may have GI issues” JK. They just said I was a talkative shithead who didn’t know how to sit still during class. It was the late 80s, teachers were highly uneducated sometimes and just fucking stupid to be honest. I grew up near Ala Moana Shopping Center and went to school in Kaimuki. My Dad went to Palolo because he lived in the “less wealthy” aka broke area of Palolo and was scared to send me to Palolo Elementary because he knew I was sweet, but a psycho when angered. He felt Ali’iolani Elementary would be a better choice. I’ve met my lifer friends there. E, J, T, etc. There are others, but those are the ones who didn’t abandon me when shit got too real for me.
If I ever decided to be a Mom, I wanted to be one of those cool Moms. My Mom had a temper, but she was a very cool Mom. I mean that. She also grew up poor and didn’t want me to want for anything. They were very financially responsible in our early years so I kinda grew up like Chappelle. Kinda rich compared to other friends, but kinda broke when compared to the government poverty line?
I couldn’t stop drinking because it was so good for my 32-year-old body. Everyone thought I was on meth in 2016. No. I didn’t even know there was a difference between meth and coke until I BRIEFLY experienced Whitney Houston’s choice at the Pasea Hotel in Huntington Beach in 2018. Frankly, I was only mildly impressed. I was on 30mg Adderall and coke seemed kinda pointless. I appreciate efficiency because I’m usually busy. I’m happy I didn’t die of a fentanyl OD, but at the time, it wasn’t a problem. I found coke boring and too expensive. Why ruin your nasal cavities when you can just mix a little extra Adderall pill in your water and drink it while driving. To my knowledge, there’s no law about this.
BTW, please stop blaming my gorgeous friend. The beautiful one. I won’t even initial her because she’s a stunner and she is happily married now and the sweetest mother I know. I also know you motherfuckers will stalk her. Her husband seems like a good person so I will verbally harass your ass if you even try to find her. If you know who this is, you ignorant (likely jealous) asshole should apologize on your knees. Yes, beg like the dirty whore you are. On your knees wearing a collar. She will appreciate that and not think it’s weird. THAT’s why I loved her and cuddled her. She’s happy and has children now. LEAVE HER ALONE. She was kinda like a surrogate mother when I was embarrassed to get the “look rich bitch, why don’t you just ask your Daddy to buy you another Lexus.” bullshit. I will answer that with a huge SUCK A FAT DICK (I have lol) and kindly STFU. It’s not that I don’t like poor people, I just don’t understand the mentality. AT ALL. I considered being evaluated for Autism because I struggled with this the most while in the MSW program. Okay.
Okay. My Dad and his brother both grew up in the Palolo Housing. BUT, their parents worked hard. They didn’t make much, but they did something called saving. Is this not taught? “Rich sluts” like me get it, but I guess this is not common knowledge? I don’t know. I have a spending problem because my Daddy gave me a Capital Credit card when I was 16. I know I sound annoying, but get the fuck over yourself. I am a little person. I can’t reach most public bathroom sinks AND USE A FUCKING WALKER AT 9 years old. How ignorant do you have to be to get shitty with me for having a little more than you? Eat a bag of hotdogs. I wanted to saw dicks, but we’re not trying to encourage future Dahmers now are we. I briefly worked for a furlough program. I met amazing people in the prison system OCCC. My favorite client was so sweet. I won’t name him because he is upsettingly back there again.
As you know, I am a psycho and my Dad taught me how to punch a person if someone got crazy, but never taught me “stranger danger” lol. Oh, you sold drugs? So what? I admire your entrepreneurship talents. Oh, you beat your friend cause he didn’t’ shut the fuck up when you asked him to? ALL Hawaii residents know how this escalates QUICK. In my humble opinion, the only inexcusable “crimes” are the ones against foster children especially and children in general. Also, beating someone smaller than you… uh kindly go fuck yourself. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight or whatever the fuck is “politically correct” these days. I’m not good with acronyms. Please don’t take offense, but I don’t learn well. I learned about transgender stuff because I am a personal friend of Janet. She wrote about me and changed my name because she was either likely too busy to ask or didn’t want to ask because she didn’t think I’d say yes. Why wouldn’t I? Does she still think I’m embarrassed to be friends with the prettiest woman I’ve ever met? Not to come off as the bitch I clearly am, but I don’t really get along with unattractive people. I’m not pretty at all, but ugly people fucking hate me for some reason.
Is it my complexion? I’m half Korean. I have nice skin, especially when I drank a lot of bourbon and ate sweet potatoes when I remember. This is why my Mom didn’t want me to live alone. I don’t like to eat unless I’m drunk or happy. If I’m angry, I will not eat. AT ALL. If I look thinner, I’m drinking strong as fuck black tea and a few bits of granola for breakfast. No lunch. Haagen Daas Strawberry Ice Cream for a snack. If I’m not working, I’ll be drinking chilled Jameson with a splash of water–gotta stay hydrated, Sweetie! Kris Jenner seems like a cold person, but she’s really sweet. I met her when I asked Kim Kardashian at her cupcake signing in Beverly Hills, CA. I won’t wait in line for anyone with few exceptions, but I wanted to see how beautiful she was in person. She reminds me of my cousin. Like other Korean people, we can’t help but examine the quality of one’s plastic surgery or filler. She is fucking gorgeous. I don’t know how she’s managing perimenopause, but I will ask my Mom to pay for me to see her specialist.
She’s like 3 years older than me, why can’t I still have fuller hair and emotional regulation? Ca., we need to talk to Kris Jenner. We need her opinion! Not to be an asshole name-dropper, but I know someone on her makeup team. She is SO pretty. I thought she was Japanese but she’s Filipina. I met her at wedding and I know my friend Lola would love her. Asians enjoy like-minded Asians. Black people love any black person from my experience. I’m not black myself, unfortunately, but I learned a lot from my 형부 (hyeongbu). He is a gorgeous black man. I hope that’s not racist. But JB is absolutely so handsome. When I met him, I thought whoa, what beautiful honey eyes. He kinda reminds me of Derek Jeter, but I think JB is full black? Does it even matter? I just don’t want to be an ignorant bitch. What I’m saying is that he is not only beautiful, but has the kindest soul like my 언니 (eonni or unnie). Wonderful couple. When I visited them, I was like, okay, I guess marriage is not that volatile? Shit.
I was kinda sad and happy during that first visit. Sad for some personal reasons that is not my story to share, happy because I had 희망 (huimang – hope) that I could have a chance to find love somehow. I was 32 at the time. I also met my little cousins H and OG. They were teenagers at the time so my sister (in Korean, we call cousins sister or brother) said she would spank me if I cursed in front of her teenagers lol. She meant it so I tried my best. I laughed because I wondered if maybe she thought I was the R-word because a lot of people called me a midget retard in school because as I mentioned, poor people are a little rude to me. Rich people have class that extends beyond their coin purses. If you’re poor and angry, you need to fuck yourself. My ex from 2008 can share ones of his many dildos. He will send you a used one–HEAVILY used one so do what that as you see fit. Basically, for the dummies in the back, fuck yourself hard with any object. As they say, anything can be a dildo if you try hard enough. Ask ANY ER doctor. I have a medical background so this is actually not a HIPAA violation so long as they don’t tell their friend identifying things like your name, birthday, etc. For example, “I had to remove a very large plastic fist from Mr. R’s rectum the other day. It was so huge he shit myself on my shirt. Shit everywhere. Think doctors and nurses or medical social workers are overpaid, please offer the next fella or lady or whatever to shit on your new mink coat and see how much you want in compensation. One of my many BFs (best friends, not boyfriends–lol, I don’t usually do that right now) HAD to tell me he makes half a million a year. I didn’t ask, he wanted me to know because he asked me to help him with stocks. I don’t fuck around with other people’s money as I don’t have a Series 7. If you want to learn: https://www.skool.com/investingsimplified Tell Prof. G. (Nolan) I sent you. He doesn’t know me personally, but maybe he’ll give me a discount lol, a Korean gotta try.
It’s a true gift to be understood. We were both in our sad girl era. Misunderstood. No one was doing meth–truthfully, who does meth in Orange County, CA? OH I KNOW. T of Costa Mesa, CA. HE was some random I met at The Harp Inn. I was drunk on whiskey and my CBD vape so I thought, yeah, you’re kinda crazy but maybe you’re not THAT much of a freak to kill me. I was wrong, but thankfully a lovely lady named Whitney barged in and lost her shit. I don’t think it was his wife? Felt more crazy girlfriend if anything. I remember looking at myself sitting on his beach inspired bed (not to bag on the gays, but this room was way too gay for a straight single man).
Okay, story time is over. I’m finally tired and need to take a shower. My hair is a mess. Love you, kinda mean it! If you are struggling with drugs or other fun things, google the number. I don’t have any recommendations. If you are a licensed clinician, drop that shit in the comments.
