Currently on loop: The Good Life by my fellow brother from another mother Kanye, Ye, Kanye West… now you know why I had a million emails and phone numbers. Unlike Kanye, I was mildly recognizable because of that show I was in years ago. I got angry and deleted the contract so I should be nice about it and not go there. I kinda remember a clause about not being shitty, but that was like 10 years ago. I do, however, want to apologize to P who was super nice to me during that time. He thought I was funny, but I became depressed while I worked at that online school in Cypress, CA. I don’t say this lightly as I don’t want ANOTHER 5150. I’ve had some tea so I don’t think… I’d better stop here. This is why my friend M asked our friend D to babysit me when he had time. I clearly needed a babysitter that could deal with verbal violence and the occasional… you know, that’s not even important, lol.
Trauma is kinda weird. I thought worked well with male therapists early in life because I have an easier talking to men. This is not a post about gender identity, I’m not the person for that. I get confused easily and acronyms have always been a problem. I can recommend an excellent therapist I know personally. She is an LCSW if you need help. I’m serious. Email me: aloha@ninjabuns.blog I was tired when I set up this blog and just paid for the better package since I was tired.
Speaking of being tired, it took me 20 years to figure out that I am a grumpy baby when I am:
- H – Hungry — for me it’s more like verbally violent angry
- A – Angry — I am always kinda internally angry if I haven’t slept well
- L – Lonely — I think a lavender marriage would be okay for me. I’m also impulsive so I should probably ask my therapist when I speak with her.
- T – Tired — oh boy! This is a big one for me. I’ve done and said terrible things to because I didn’t sleep well. No one asked, but alcohol is not a good way to fall asleep for me. I always wake up in a panic because I forget where I am. It’s the reason I don’t want to live with my future gay husband, lol. Or if I am serious about coming out of my asexual season, perhaps our own rooms with boundaries? Unless it’s someone I genuinely love romantically, I will ask you to go home. I wish I was joking. I have done this.
I feel much better now. I am on a long journey back to baseline.
This is what the last seven years were like:
March 2019 – My sweet cousin gave me a bath because she wanted to lol. She’s a nurse, but I was still like why? I can wash my own ass, thank very much. She said it’s because I needed to feel loved. I still don’t get it. I might need to get evaluated for Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). She worked in behavioral health so has quite a bit of experience dealing with challenging patients. Watch some funny nurse humor. Social work humor isn’t as funny. Social work is pretty boring. I was only engaged when I assisted the work furlough program at OCCC. I don’t want to say where I worked because I had a meltdown. Self-care is important. I have to send an apology someday when I’m in a new job and they don’t think I’ll try to sue them again.
As I said above, don’t make decisions when you’re not okay. I can’t go to the career fairs here because they have a booth there. I mean, how embarrassing is that… heyyyyyyy sorry I was weird the last time we spoke CEO, you were very kind, but I was not okay. In the corporate world, they would rather not. Anyway, if someone from there reads this babble, I apologize for my abrupt behavior and asking my police officer friend to be there with me as I packed my things. I am very 0 to 100 because, again, I have to ask my therapist. I think I may have some Dichotomous thinking—also called black-and-white, all-or-nothing, or polarized thinking—is a cognitive distortion where a person views situations, people, or themselves in rigid, binary extremes with no room for a middle ground or gray area.- Source: Better Health
Now that I have my license (July 2024), I am a Licensed Social Worker (LSW) in Honolulu, HI. If you’re in like Idaho or whatever, I can’t help you. I think the legislation changed so I may I could bill your insurance if I’m supervised. Who knows? My point is: If you are struggling with sobriety (like Diane Kawasaki 2000-2019), make sure you have appropriate support. I am not speaking as YOUR social worker, do the work and find a normal one that doesn’t have a 1. a background in stand-up comedy (we are the bottom of the barrel of the entertainment world) 2. still trying to figure out where I want to go.
My amazing mentors suggested I write some of this down, but I have horrible handwriting and can only focus (unmedicated) listening to one song on loop with earbuds. See? I will send anyone even slightly not okay to an involuntary hold or jail. As I said to my other friend Michael, I’ve got too much ass for one man to handle, lol. I don’t mesh well with casual relationships. Or do I? Am I polyamorous like my friend S? Why does this feel like I’m Kristin Bell narrating Gossip Girl? If I was a character there, I’d be Blaire Walford–my favorite spirit human. I loveddd her so much, which explains a lot. We all know Serena was the true disaster. I am going to tell my friend J, how about we be less Serena and more blaire? Leighton Meester is my favorite actress ever. I love everything she’s been in! She married that hot AF Adam Brody. He’s the reason I didn’t mind working a job I did not like. So many Adam Brody types in The OC.
OMG. Okay, sorry, I’m having a weird moment and I’ll stop that. I clearly need a person to rein me in. I am a little upset now that I’m a lot more high maintenance. Oh! I have to buy things at Sephora for the 15% discount on shit I don’t need. When I asked my Dad a very simple question, “Daddy, if I ever trust men again, what should I look for?” He made that “OMG, please no, I just can’t” look, but I asked him a follow up when he said, “1. rich 2. sense of humor”. I was admittedly a bit offended as I’ve never considered myself shallow. JK, I am horrible if you know me personally. See? I’ll refer you to a normal social worker. To further clarify, when I say “normal” I mean “no unresolved explosive personality issues”. Little People are perfectly capable to be amazing social worker. I, however, was told, “Diane, give direct service a try and if it doesn’t work out, go back to stand-up”. Now, that was gentle, but offended me more than me being a gold digger.
Oh right, back to my original point, I asked my Dad if he thought I was shallow. He said in a very exhausted, yet patient voice, “No, Bunny. You’re not a mean person, you are very sweet and kind, but a little financially irresponsible and well, *deep breath*, if you date one more irresponsible person again, I just don’t know what I’ll do. He’s 77 so I knew he had enough of my nonsense. I backed off shortly after because why aggravate a good person? I only assume he said a good sense of humor because I have what my Mom and refer to as a “beak problem” like I’m a bird. Korean word of the day 짹짹 (jjaegjjaeg otherwise translated as “chirp”). When I start getting too excited, she says in a very sweet voice, “Hey, jjaegjjaegeee, I think you need to go for a walk lol.”
See, I came from a lovely family. Why am I so damaged? Is it the men I choose? Maybe. Is it trauma attending my first LPA event in 2009 when the first dude to give me male attention said his Mom told him not to date me because he’ll end up being a caregiver? OMG. I will very unlikely date another half-Chinese man again. My best friend is a Chinese man and he was like, “well, you know how our Moms are, very honest”. Oh goodness, I am exhausted. I don’t even know what the point of this blog was about. I am angry and I am about to say something VERY rude about Chinese people who have nothing to do with this situation. I think it’s called projection? I don’t retain information well, so ask your local LCSW if you ever get hospitalized like me.
XOXO,
Formally imbalanced Diane Kawasaki
