Netflix and Chill

(Source: Kristen King for BuzzFeed)

I had a good laugh this morning as I scrolled through BuzzFeed’s We Asked 13 People How They Felt About The “Netflix And Chill” Craze — it’s hilarious, on-point and way too familiar. Most of my dating experiences have involved the “Netflix And Chill” option. Prior to Netflix, it was non-affectionately labeled as “let’s watch a movie”.

At almost 32-years-old, I have only been on one “real” date. I personally characterize a “real” date as a planned activity that takes place after a guy asks me out on a date. My first and only real date was very pleasant. We enjoyed dinner at an Indian restaurant in Santa Monica, CA and he introduced me to his favorite dishes: Chicken Tandoori, curries, naan and basmati rice. When the check came, he politely declined my offer to pay and sorted out the entire bill. He shared that he didn’t feel it was right for me to pay as he invited me to dinner and chose the restaurant. Although he stopped seeing me after our third date, I appreciated that he was polite and courteous.

My first “real” date took place after I had already normalized a pattern of “let’s watch a movie”. After my first sexual experience at age 22, I accepted these “opportunities” for several reasons:

• I wanted to experience sex because it was a milestone I didn’t think I would ever attain due to societal conditioning regarding people with disabilities and sexuality. Although it would have been nice to experience sex with someone I loved and knew well, I believed my value as a partner was solely for sexual pleasure. Since no one has experienced interest in a relationship with me, it was easy for me to arrive at the conclusion I wasn’t worthy of a relationship consisting beyond sex.
• I entertained nearly all (good & bad) opportunities to date because I was consistently surprised when men expressed interest in me. It was new and I liked the attention. The shock of feeling attractive often distracted me from “red flags”. When confronted with “bad behavior”, I drew the conclusion that I wasn’t in a position to have expectations anyway.
• I didn’t experience “real” dating throughout my teenage years while everyone else was figuring it out. As an adult, I was expected to be equipped with discernment and self-awareness. I wasn’t.
• Like my Movie Mates (MM), I was also fearful of being “seen” and “judged” by other people. I wasn’t confident and worried my MM would be embarrassed and leave me feeling rejected. A bittersweet detail about “let’s watch a movie” is that judgement can only reside within two emotionally unavailable Movie Mates. I think this element further encourages the likeliness of unhealthy decisions.

“Netflix & Chill” works for some (maybe many?) people. Am I ashamed by my past choices? A little. Okay, a lot. I’m definitely not proud of my actions, however, I don’t regret my choices because there’s no point in living in the past anymore. After years of believing I was unworthy of a “normal” relationship, I have finally reached a point of peace in regards to romantic relationships. While it would be lovely to find my “perfect partner”, I no longer feel the need to validate my life through another person’s acceptance.

At the moment, I’m trying my best to live a life I love. Along the way, I’m open to exploring the possibility of a relationship with someone who is able to reciprocate respect, a good sense of humor, kindness and love. No one needs to be with me because he “is horny”, “feels sorry for me” or is trying to “answer” his interpretation of “God’s calling on his life”. I believe that partnership is more likely to sustain happiness and satisfaction because two people enjoy each other. As I continue to shift my perspective away from outdated beliefs, I’m committing to engage in relationships that offer more than just physical satisfaction and streaming syndicated television.