Category: Social Anxiety

Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Disability, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.

ninjabuns

FullSizeRender(3)

Last night I went to a comedy show in Hawaii and I was so happy that not even one performer used the word “midget” in their sets. I had promised friends to take them to a local comedy show and I finally delivered. The last time I took my friend to see one of my favorite comedians Ian Edwards because we were lucky he stopped by in Honolulu.

One of the openers did some crowd work and said something along the lines of “I know she’s (pointing at me) here, but I’m going to say it anyway”. Oh shit. He told an awkward (probably fake) story about how he slept with a blind person and or something and somehow associated it with me. Like a lot of uninformed Americans, he made the assumption all disabled people are the same (and need to be made fun of!). He reenacted himself doing nasty things to this person and at some point eluded that the gross experience was probably how I have sex. Some people laughed while most of the audience probably had their buttholes clenched tight like I did. I was thrilled when he finally stopped talking. Continue reading “Are you a comedian or just a regular asshole? I can’t tell.” →

Anxiety, Disability, Fears, Grad School, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Oppression, Poverty, Social Anxiety

“Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)

ninjabuns
FullSizeRender(2)

I used to take the bus to and from an early headstart (special ed) pre-school. At the time, I didn’t know that it was only for “special” kids. Every child on TV took the bus and I was genuinely excited to go to school. I stopped taking the bus when I started public school and soon learned the “R-word” when the asshole kids would tease students who rode the bus. I was shocked and a bit embarrassed. I didn’t defend them because I was afraid I would also get teased. While I wasn’t one to defend, I sure didn’t join the asshole party and say mean things.

One night in a bar in LA, I was talking to a few awesome friends who had similar experiences. We exchanged stories and I learned that I wasn’t the only one who felt shitty about the labels associated with a seat on the “short bus”. One of my favorite classmates was a guy named K. He didn’t use words to communicate and he had to wear a helmet because he had to wear one for some reason. As an only child, I really enjoyed being around other kids and I didn’t notice a difference between me and K because I wasn’t conditioned to scrutinize diversity yet. Continue reading ““Shut up and sit down!” …ok (but not for long)” →

#DoingMe, Anxiety, Boundaries, Depression, Fears, Friendship, Insecurities, Kindness, Love, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Starting Over

Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed

ninjabuns

FullSizeRender(1)

I am overwhelmed with the amount of love I’ve received upon sharing my personal story with depression. Yeah, it was kinda dark. I’m sorry I was okay about the whole world blowing up. A nice person would’ve fantasized about just me blowing up. Sorry. I’ve received several sweet PM notes and texts from personal friends apologizing for “not being a good friend” while I was in the midst of my recent bout of depression. I tried my best to reassure them that they were excellent friends and that they did everything to assist in my healing.

I think people are under the impression that helping someone with depression involves disclosure and some level of fixing the situation. For some people, perhaps that is helpful. As I’ve mentioned before, healing depression is a very unique experience. There is no specific formula. It’s a complex algorithm that is often challenging to identify. Mine was something like this:

Psychotherapy + Employment + Feeling like I have a purpose in this world + Being around good people + Buying a lot of cosmetics from MAC + Surrounding myself with positive friends who don’t tell me that being depressed is attributed to “having an easy life” + Eating chocolate donuts without berating myself about calories + Being of service (which is why I’m a notorious for over-extending myself) + Dark humor. Continue reading “Hi, Friends: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was depressed” →

Ambivert, Anxiety, Boundaries, Fears, Friendship, Kindness, Love, Social Anxiety

Hi, I Have Anxiety.

ninjabuns

social
(Source)

I was recently assigned to cover our front desk while our amazing AA is on a VERY WELL-DESERVED vacation. My desk is in clear view of hers and I consistently see her manage chaos like a symphony composer. I try my best to fill in the gaps, but she is always so kind to take on everything. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although I had a few days notice, I was absolutely riddled with anxiety. I came in about 30 minutes early (for two days) to familiarize with her procedures because I knew that I would have a breakdown if I had to figure it out with people there. As a new employee (just over a  month), it seemed to be logical thing to do in preparation.

While I tried my best to prepare, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the demands of her position. Oh, by the way, I also have social anxiety AND claustrophobia. Great. Something about in being in tight quarters with more than three people makes me feel like I will die. After about an hour of trying to keep things in order (answering a barrage of phone calls, assisting our clients, finding things, etc.), I was in the midst of what felt like a panic attack. I’ve had them before at the dentist. Lots of sweating. Palpitations. Wanting to jump out the window in hope of being able to take a normal breath. I don’t think someone who has not experienced a panic attack could truly understand how terrifying they can be.

Continue reading “Hi, I Have Anxiety.” →