Cuddles Change the World!

Source: Dustball Ink. (coming soon!)

This time last year, I wrote a blog about the Netflix and Chill trend. I had lamented on my tendency to accept the Netflix and Chill route because I feared true intimacy. In my opinion, I feel that one’s first sexual experience can set a tone to other sexual habits. I went on my first “real” date when I was 22, which was a lot later than most people. I didn’t date throughout high school and even undergrad because no one wanted to date me. In all fairness, I was really insecure and it’s understandable why I didn’t attract attention. The only person to show any interest in me was a grad student who was contemplating cheating on his long-term girlfriend.

While I don’t agree with deception within a monogamous relationship, I did feel compelled to entertain his flirtation because it made me feel like I wasn’t just an asexual Little Person. Thankfully, he changed his tune and found confirmation that he really cared about his girlfriend (now wife). I admittedly was disappointed because it was the first time I felt attractive and it disappeared so quickly.

My first job out of undergrad was as a website designer for a military clinic in Honolulu. I felt a lot more confident since I was done with school and found an awesome job right away while others were still searching. I was also about to move to Los Angeles to start a new life. Things were going exceptionally well and I felt at my best. About a month into my job, a cute guy in the next office asked me out to a movie. I was so elated and immediately started planning our wedding. At 22 sans dating experience, I was on cloud nine of delusional expectations of the once seemingly unattainable prospect of having a partner in this life.

He was a beautiful man and I couldn’t understand what he saw in me. I had so much anxiety, but managed to occupy my thoughts with childlike daydreams of our life together. I wanted to have a boyfriend so bad that it didn’t matter who he was as a person. He was alive, cute and appeared to like me. That’s all that mattered at that point in my life. He picked me up in a white Toyota Celica, which was a pretty sweet ride in 2006.

We saw a terrible movie, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”. He held my hand the whole time and I remember sweating so much he had to wipe my excessive sweat on his jeans. It was a beautiful evening. When he dropped me off, he kissed me. I didn’t know what to do! Things escalated quickly. I started the evening as a 22-year-old virgin with no game and left his car not a virgin anymore. I felt pretty gross because it wasn’t at all what I imagined. I don’t think he knew I hadn’t been with anyone else before. Maybe he did, I’ll never know.

That evening set a tone for the rest of my dating life. In my mind, I felt that it was acceptable for a man to expect sex right away. Although I’ve matured quite a bit since then, I still have some issues to resolve with my sexuality. After being (somewhat by choice) for two plus years, I’ve had a lot of time to do some self-awareness work in regards to the way I value my body. I used to think sex wasn’t a big deal, but something changed in me when I realized that all of my “relationships” lacked intimacy.

My friend (who is my unofficial life coach) shared that he had gone years without sex and dating because he didn’t want to settle for the same garbage anymore. I’ve heard this conversation several times throughout my life, but it resonated differently this year because I was finally ready to receive it without laying on my own conditioning. Having some time away from sex and men allowed me to not give a shit about it. Perhaps it’s age, but I no longer get excited about casual sex. I think it’s fine and dandy to fuck around, but it’s just not for me anymore. I would rather enjoy the  intimacy of being with one person I respect.

When I look back at my partners, most of them were self-centered and had no problem exhausting my energy. They were often baby birds–helpless and in consistent need for attention. Once I nurtured them and allowed them to see their worth, they flew away to someone who they deemed worthy of a relationship. For a long time, I was fine being the baby bird attendee, but I’m officially over it. It’s not worth the fuss. I have no regrets. It took me a long time to learn the hard knock lessons accompanied with establishing boundaries and self-respect and shit. Going forward, I want to only entertain potential suitors who are like my friends–sweet as pie, smart, gorgeous, funny and most importantly, kind. Ain’t no one got time for foolishness!

Source: Dustball Ink. (coming soon!)

Love & Cuddles!