I don’t need a lot to be content in life. I have a beautiful home, wonderful friends and a promising new career in the making. Life is good. In addition to the above, I require basic needs like a peaceful environment (which I have now compliments of the best roommate ever!) and showers twice a day. I am pretty neurotic with hygiene because kids were mean to me during my childhood and I feel really self-conscious about body odor.
This morning I woke up at 5am upon waking from one of of the best night’s sleep I’ve had in months. I jumped in the shower to find out there was no hot water. I was furious because it was the second time it happened in a week. I was so desperate for a shower and googled things like “how to shower without hot water”. Most responses involved “suck it up and deal with it” or “just use a lot of deodorant”–both options that are 0% helpful and not going to happen.
I started boiling water in hopes of having a bath until the water came back for a proper shower. I wasted about an hour of my morning obsessing over a shower I wasn’t going to have until later. At a certain point, I gave up and accepted the reality that I would need to explore other options. As I was sitting in my bathroom feeling defeated, I thought about a conversation I had with my life coach and friend, “Dare to be Bad” author and amazing creative genius, Michael Leoni. A few weeks ago, he had what my colleague Jeff refers to as a “come to Jesus” talk.
It got real #QuickAF. He told me that I needed to work on the way I fall in love with potential romantic partners. Two months ago, I left a party early because I was so desperate to spend the evening with someone I didn’t want to admit that I had liked as more than a friend. I realize now that it was pretty shitty as I always keep my commitments with important people. It was a HUGE reality check because I knew I had really fucked up. Once again, I had compromised myself to accommodate someone who just saw me as a stepping stone to someone he wanted to be with long-term.
I really respect Michael for so many reasons. In addition to having a level of cognizance I rarely see in people (especially in LA), he is also immensely talented and so kind. We clicked straight away and it was one of those “yeah, we totally hung out in a past life” feelings. I’ve had that with a few people in my life and it’s always been one of those VERY easy, reciprocal friendships that just make my life brighter. While SEVERAL of my friends have told me to move on from this obvious train wreck, I finally started to realize I have fallen back into the pattern of chasing something that doesn’t exist: my perception of a love that isn’t real.
Although I’m pretty good when it comes to offering advice to friends, I’m horrible in navigating my own relationships. When I have a relationship, it’s mostly about fucking around and sometimes that leads to my boyfriends (or their new girlfriends) threatening to kill me and my pets. While only one weirdo wanted to kill my bunny Sir Thomas Poops A Lot, I feel that once is enough motivation to change my ways.
At the moment, my friendship that Michael and I discussed feels like a bad marriage on its way to divorce. A month ago, I wrote him a very awkward email confessing my “more than friends” feelings and he told me he only saw me as a friend and “understood how hard it is to like someone who doesn’t return your feelings”. I was so embarrassed, but I didn’t want that to take away from a friendships we’ve fostered for many years. I’m not sure what it’s like for other people, but when someone tells me they don’t like me back, I’m okay. I’ve had A LOT of practice with rejection and it doesn’t sit the same with me anymore.
I also don’t believe in the concept of “unrequited love”. WTF is that? One-sided love isn’t real. Yeah, there are many stories of people who “fought” for someone. Well, great. I’m sure it’s really swell to finally win someone who probably just got tired of being on Bumble and forced themselves to feel okay about entertaining a relationship that might organically come together.
I have a few friends whose parents were in arranged marriages and it worked out nicely. The difference there likely stems from starting with a clean slate. Your family (hopefully) is very thoughtful of the match and the couple hopefully had a good attitude about it and opens up to the possibility of love. One thing that is obviously missing from relationships in 2016 is that we have a hard time gauging the fine line between “not compatible” and “compatible, but needs some improvement in communication”.
America is a very wasteful country. We always want the new TV, the new Louis Vuitton purse, the new new new, etc. We have the same practices when it comes to relationships sometimes. We are motivated by our own ego instead of what’s best for the team. I know this is all easier said than done, but I think this may be why several of my ex-boyfriends want to “try again”. On social media, I appear to be a non-committal bitch who treats men like disposable Tupperware, but the truth is that I’ve always operated better in a monogamy and I work really hard to do my part to sustain my relationships.
I don’t fall in love easily. Most friends think I make horrible decisions when it comes to boyfriends, but the truth is that they mostly heard the bad stories and never really got to know them on a personal level. With the exception of my friends Koko, Angela and Annie, none of my friends spent a lot of time with anyone I’ve dated. I know that’s weird, but I’m working on it!
We have a tendency to only draw from two types of perceptions when we fall out of love:
A. Longing – an unrealistic collage of happy memories completely missing the many points of why it didn’t work out.
B. Fuck off – also an unrealistic view of a relationship that was actually not ALL bad. For me, I always went on Plan B as a defense mechanism because I didn’t want to feel the pain of missing my best friend.
When I look back at the commonalities of my past boyfriends, they all had very kind hearts (with the exception of one who was a rebound). I’ve always been insecure about being a Little Person and it’s still hard for me to believe someone would feel proud to be seen with me. While I’ve never had a “conventional” relationship, all of my partners had the capacity to see me as a person and affirmed me in ways that weren’t common on most days. These guys were always very encouraging of my dreams. They supported my “silly” goals and we would often find ways for me to get there.
Recently, I’ve tried to get back into non-committal mode because as Michael pointed out, I had become enamored by someone who didn’t return my feelings. Unfortunately for me and my high sex drive, I can no longer enjoy casual sex. I long for a healthy, monogamous relationship with someone I may share a health insurance plan (marriage and stuff).
On my way back from the 2.5 hour commute from work last night, I revisited my talk with Michael. He was right. I had fallen hard and wasn’t able to truly embrace and appreciate my own gifts because I still sought validation from someone who is going out of his way to reinforce that he’s just not that into me. Whenever we talk now, the conversation is solely about who he’s trying to date. I want him to be happy, but the consistent reminder that I’m not someone he wants has reached a point of being annoying and rude.
I think a lot of people find themselves in the “friend zone”–being that temporary space filler until someone better comes along. It’s a really stupid place to be and the decision to leave is an important one. The really awful aspect of “unrequited love” is that it leads you to believe that it’s actually “love” when it might not be. Although there is a chance it could evolve into something more, the reality is that being benched in the “friend zone” is only okay if you’re willing to SOLELY play the role of the friend. Having expectations of being anything more will only slowly kills your confidence and stop you from meeting someone who wants you on their team. Don’t settle for something that doesn’t exist.
Download the Bumble app RIGHT now and create your next mistakes great experiences! In my opinion, people are much cooler there! Tindr is fun, but that’s mostly for getting your dick sucked and since I don’t have one, I deleted it.
