Hi, I Have Anxiety.

(Source)

I was recently assigned to cover our front desk while our amazing AA is on a VERY WELL-DESERVED vacation. My desk is in clear view of hers and I consistently see her manage chaos like a symphony composer. I try my best to fill in the gaps, but she is always so kind to take on everything. I honestly don’t know how she does it. Although I had a few days notice, I was absolutely riddled with anxiety. I came in about 30 minutes early (for two days) to familiarize with her procedures because I knew that I would have a breakdown if I had to figure it out with people there. As a new employee (just over a  month), it seemed to be logical thing to do in preparation.

While I tried my best to prepare, I was absolutely overwhelmed with the demands of her position. Oh, by the way, I also have social anxiety AND claustrophobia. Great. Something about in being in tight quarters with more than three people makes me feel like I will die. After about an hour of trying to keep things in order (answering a barrage of phone calls, assisting our clients, finding things, etc.), I was in the midst of what felt like a panic attack. I’ve had them before at the dentist. Lots of sweating. Palpitations. Wanting to jump out the window in hope of being able to take a normal breath. I don’t think someone who has not experienced a panic attack could truly understand how terrifying they can be.

It sounds dramatic AF and it is. A comparable experience would be when you’ve slipped and are about to fall to your death. Imagine you’re hiking along a trail and trip. Now you’re clinging on to a shrub and hoping you don’t die today. Your friend is taking a selfie next to a tree and is completely oblivious. That fool isn’t going to be helpful. You’re there. All alone. Clinging to an unreliable bush that may detach at any moment. You start feeling really bad every awful thing you’ve done because it looks like today is your last day on this earth. Okay, finally, your narcissistic friend snapped an acceptable photo and noticed you’re about to plummet to your untimely death. She pulls you in and saves you. That’s what anxiety feels like, but no one else knows how to help you.

Anxiety is a unique experience for everyone. Meditation and breathing helps. It takes discipline and practice, but I have noticed that it can help in more moderate situations. While at the front desk, I did all of the things I know to do. It wasn’t enough as my skill set isn’t as strong as it could be. Instead, I took a break and cried in the bathroom. I needed solitude. I needed to release all of the tension that had accumulated from being in a severely uncomfortable element. If I have to do this again, I’ll most certainly need to take a Valium.

I’m aware that I appear unstable. When it comes to functionality at as an Administrative Assistant, I just wouldn’t be able to do it. I’d be fired in a week. Maybe a month because I’m part of a protected class. Anxiety isn’t really understood by most people. Even my loved ones get irritated with me because I “blame” things on “my anxiety”. I’ve come to terms that it’s difficult for even the most well-intentioned person to understand. I often try to hide my anxiety when possible. I suffer in silence and don’t bother to explain the situation. Why bother?

At the moment, I’m scheduled to take on one more coverage shift. I’m debating if I should request to be assigned to something else or if I should just try to get through just one more day. It’s a tricky conversation. Do I unpack my issues a month into employment? I feel very grateful that I do work with incredible people with a level of compassion I haven’t seen in a while. If I were to disclose, I would feel pretty comfortable discussing it with my supervisors. We’ll see.

I am very fortunate to have a lot of support. While I was in the bathroom having a breakdown, my friend prayed with me. I had told her earlier in the day that I was fearful of the impending doom that was about to ensue. As I listened to her prayer (that she sent via iMessage audio clip), I felt supported and love. She’s known me for years and I don’t have to break out a powerpoint presentation to explain myself. She just loves me just as I am. I wish more people could extend that level of support for others who have a hard time even if it doesn’t seem logical.

When I walked back into the office, my supervisor surprised me with an ice cream. I almost cried again because I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I tried not to cry because that would’ve been awkward. Really awkward. How desperate for affection would I have appeared? I was able to contain myself and reported back to my friend that all was well.

If you know someone who is having a difficult season, be aware that you may not be able to understand that person’s situation fully. Does it matter? Not really. In general, we humans could do a lot better with listening and shutting the F up when someone is opening up and sharing a part of themselves. You don’t need to be a human Valium, just be you. A non-condescending person who can just be there to listen. Answer the phone when you see someone struggling. Ask how you can be of assistance. Extend grace when someone needs a break. It’s the seemingly small gestures that have the greatest impact. Oh, by the way, ice cream fixes everrrythannng.

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